I don't mean to sound full of myself but I think I have become a bit of a "dude magnet" as another friend puts it.
One guy would keep saying things like "My heart is on fire for you" and all these very-out-there things like that. At first, I thought he was just joking around, but he kept it up. And when I had put my arms around a friend to hug her, he was on the other side of her and he grabbed my hands and just held them, which freaked me out quite a bit. So then that friend and I started joking around, telling him we were lesbian and all sorts of junk. Yesterday morning, he came up to me and said he's given up on me, but he still says a bunch of crap. Like when I was talking to a guy friend of mine in class asking for help on a paper, the creepy guy calls his name and says "Hey, back off! She's mine!" It's the second time he's told him that. Which is kind of funny because my guy friend is more interested in guys...
Then the guy from my previous journal entry. The first day of school, he was acting very interested in me. Giving me all kinds of compliments and saying everything I do is cute and adorable. The second and third day of school, he doesn't even look at me. He would pull out his cell phone and bend his head over it like it's a very intense text to avoid looking at me. And then the next week, he's dating a different girl. Oucchh. Then Monday, he calls out to me during lunch. I walk over with quite a bit of anxiety because I don't have a clue what he's going to say. When I get close enough, he lunges at me, picks me up, tosses me partially onto his shoulder so that my stomach hit it hard. He meant for it to be a hug but it was a s**t hug. So then when we see each other after a class, I deliberately avoid him. I walk on the far side of the hall, keep my eyes down, and walk fast. I saw his shoes though on the other side of the hall cross over to my side and I got another hug. He's been giving me hugs all week. I accept them out of loneliness. He's probably going to show up with another girlfriend sometime soon anyhow.
Then yesterday after school was just awful. A different friend's boyfriend comes up behind me and pokes either side of my lower stomach. People say when you're poked there, it makes you bend over. I didn't bend over though, I jumped away and ran a little. Then a bit later, he tries to rub my back. Doubly uncomfortable since he's my friend's boyfriend. Another person to avoid now.
There was another guy, who's also dating a different girl, that keeps asking me for hugs. He's nice and all, but I just never want to hug him. Sometimes he'll try to give me back rubs and try to come up behind me and surprise-hug me. I try to avoid him too.
And then there's another guy who I thought was showing interest in me. He and I would IM a lot over the summer and we had hugged a lot one day. That same day he gave me a back rub but he rubbed my mid and lower back. I thought he was flirting with me, but I guess not. I just don't feel any connection with him. I mean, I try to, but he doesn't seem interested in me anymore. Or after all. I don't know. I don't mind him being around me as much since I'm a little interested in him though.
But all the other guys just invading my space has me building up a lot of resentment.
Last week, I had a session with my counselor/therapist lady Lucille with my dad. I found out quite a bit, and it's still upsetting. He said he had to tell her my mom's history. I'm sitting right there. He was in this session because Lucille wanted us to figure out ways for him and I to hang out and bond so that I could actually have a parent more involved in my life. The entire session was spent with my dad telling her how over ten years ago when we lived in a different town, my mom was diagnosed bipolar but is in denial about it. She's extremely sensitive to the words "crazy," "insane," "mental," and "psycho." Not that she'll go off crying about it, but she'll get very mad. One night, when I was five years old (which would make my older brother nine or ten, and my sister less than one), she and my dad had gotten into a big argument. My siblings and I were asleep like rocks so we didn't hear any of it. The argument was escalating though. And she threatened to kill us (me and my siblings), was walking down the hall with an axe. My dad called the police, and she was taken to a psychiatric hospital.
It's just awful finally finding out all of this within an hour. I cried and cried. I'm tearing up a little even now. But it explains everything. I don't know if my mother truly loves me or not (ever since I was six, she would tell me she hates me and wishes she never had me). But that tidbit about her telling me she hates me has always made me a little distrustful of people in general. When my friends tell me they really value me, it always makes me a tear up a little because even then, I still doubt them even if I can feel their genuinity. I don't know if that's a real word. But when your own mother tells you she regrets having you, it just makes you doubtful of the world. I don't mean to sound melodramatic if I do. But there have been times where I feel so lonely, even when I'm joking with other kids at school. Like there's barely anyone in my life who actually gives a s**t about me. Things stop mattering, and I just stop caring for people and schoolwork. And sometimes when I try to envision my future, like life after high school, I just can't. My mind will switch over to a gun or to driving through a guardrail with a car.
I'm getting off now.
