Update: I have been outwardly forgiven, although one never knows of the inward feelings of others, ne? In any case, it's a start, and perhaps at least we can move on with life. In any case, I'm glad to see she bounced back pretty well.
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I have a confession to make. If any of you were to come after me, if any of you were to kill me, it would be well-deserved that I should die. I feel like taking a sword and pushing it through my heart, so that I'm pinned eternally to the walls of my bedroom... although I don't have the heart for it, and I know the peace of death before being found would not last. No, before you go thinking I'm suicidal, let me tell you that I have no plans to kill myself. I can't even gather the wits to cut myself... I guess that makes me pretty normal.
In any case, anyone who's made it this far is probably wondering what I did that I could deserve death....
I told my little sister, to her face, that I honestly believe that she would kill me given the chance (sans rules). I told a 14 year old little girl who means more to me than anyone save only my mother that I saw an evil killer in her. I made her cry... and she refuses to speak to me today. She wouldn't even say "I love you" in reply to my own... and I deserve it.
I'm not posting this here to get attention, or sympathy, or advice. If you plan to throw that my way, forget it please. I know I was an a** in what I said, and anything she says or does now is warranted. I am posting this here because this is the only place I could think to write what is on my mind. The only people I can talk to are strangers... imagine that. I'm taking the worst of it out in art, but I have to be careful because anyone can find it. However, no one in my family is likely to ever look here for my thoughts. So I post...
I had to make a decision today. I had to figure out if I meant what I said, and really did think she would kill me (and she has threatened me before) or if I was over-reacting and was being a b***h. I opted for the second. I'm sure she'd hit me, given the opportunity... but I don't think she'd kill me. However, now I'm faced with the guilty task of apologizing.... I am okay with having to apologize. It's simply that if she didn't want to even listen to me, what good can words do to put forth that I didn't mean it? It's the better option, though.
Mom had said that if I really did think my sis would kill me, we needed family counciling. Counciling for me, to straighten out my mind and let me see the difference between love and hate [insert scorn previous] and for my sister because of the trauma of what I think of her.... I hate counciling. I don't need to pay some person to listen to all of my thoughts and then pretend that they understand me. I don't need a payed "friend" that only helps you so long as you fork over cash. Not to mention that I'd really be working my own problems out anyways... just with supervison. Payed. No, I can do my own damn thinking. I have a brain, albeit that I don't always think first (else I'd not be in this position). To be honest, even if I did think my sister would kill me, I would rather opt out and say it was just heat-of-the-moment, just to get out of counciling.
Still, I don't believe it, and it pains me to know that I've said something to her that she will probably never forget... or forgive. She may say she forgives me, in time, but she never will. Mom doesn't think so, and sis doesn't either, but I know her well enough to know that. All three of us are that way: we say "forgiven" but we live by "never forgive, never forget, and never be hurt again." Stupid, but it's true.
In any case, it's almost time to get her from school... and I shall gather myself to apologize. Honestly, I hope she doesn't want to talk to me yet, even afterwards. I'm more afraid of going back to "normal" because the guilt will increase, but still... Here is to hoping.
If anyone is reading this... wish me luck, please.
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月に代わってお仕置きよ。