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Where shall I begin?

Homework up the bum because, even though I now have textbooks, I'm trying to keep up with current work and still make up the old work at the same time for six different college classes. Two of them have reasearch-driven reports, and another one has most of the class stuggling anyways. Then the fact that I have been lying to Mom about my grades because I don't want to worry or stress her more than she is (and trust me, she is stressed). Then I had just gotten a job at a local theater and told them in my application, which they agreed to, that I couldn't be working midnights on school nights. I said that, once in a blue moon, I would be willing to sacrifice the night's sleep, but school is too important to make a habit of it. So what did they plan for my Thanksgiving week? 5-close (close = anywhere between midnight and two in the morning) for EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. So I quit. At least they were nice enough about that, even if not all that talkative. There's more to that story, really, for why I quit (such as being so stressed by it that I couldn't breathe for about half-an-hour the night before I quit).

Honestly, I'm rather certain I'd pass the clinical tests for being severely depressed. It doesn't matter because I'm not paying to have someone prescribe mind-altering medicines or pretend to be my "confidential" friend in order to help me sort through things. I'll just do it alone. Still, I may want to re-evaluate my strategies for that. I mean, I've been this sad for as long as I can remember. Actually, I'm slightly less sad now than in my memories, and still certain of my condition. Which, as I said, doesn't really matter. No one knows but me. I mean, my little sister (age 15, people, and able to write circles around people in my college albeit with a few more spelling errors) keeps calling me "Ms. Happy" and "annoyingly happy prep" and crap. She's the kind of gal who dresses in black at all times. At one time or another, you could find any of her outfits in Hot Topic. And I'd look the same way if I were willing to spend that kind of money in there. Alas, I have to pay for gas and food and crap, so I can't afford it. So I'm wearing hand-me-downs from the family, all the way up to my greatgrandmother and my dead step-aunt... I think that's what she was. All "prep" clothing, if labelled.

Also, Mom gave me a speech lately about how I was the perfect child. The worst complaint she has about me is that I don't clean my room. I wonder how that'd change if she knew that I hate my life even while unwilling to trade with anyone, or if she knew I'm failing school just like last semester (which she also doesn't know about), or that I love to draw dismembered people covered in blood more than anything else. Does she remember the time I lied to her for two years about a TV anime she had banned me from (which really hurt her, and even now she avoids the topic if ever it comes up)? What would she think if she knew I skip classes sometimes, now that I'm in college and they can't call my parents on me?

Oh well.

Then, one Monday recently, sis disowned Mom and me. Not stepdaddy evil, though. Just Mom and me. Not the next Tuesday, but the Tuesday after that she came back. Only because she had to be picked up from school because she was throwing up, but still. She came back. That was a painful experience. That's all I'll say there. She's a Gaian, too, and could read this.

Also, my left eye had a light hemorrhage on the upper part. Unless I try to keep my eyes lidded low, a small bit of the blood is visible. If I open my eye up, I make people shudder and cringe while looking away. Kind of amusing, really. I think it's still a half-open wound because I'm sure there's a little more blood than yesterday. It's easier to see it today. I'm told that there are three ways I would have gotten this hemorrhage: hitting my eye, high blood pressure, or stress. I know I didn't hit my eye. I wasn't even rubbing eyelashes away. Nothing. So that's out. We went to the supermarket and sat at that nifty little machine that takes blood pressure. It wasn't high. It doesn't look like I'd have far to go before it could get high, so maybe I ought to watch myself. Still, it wasn't high enough to cause the hemorrhage. So that leaves stress. I know I'm stressed. So... I guess stress can't always be hidden, eh. Not always.

Everyone breathed a big sigh of relief, and now we just wait for it to go away. I'm told a week before then. Whoo.

Fun.

Thanksgiving was good. I didn't even need seconds. Just took home the second half of my plate for leftovers, which I just finished. I also get my paycheck today, and then in two weeks my final paycheck. Both for the job I just quit. This paycheck ought to be nice enough, and the next ought to cover my gas for the two weeks after. So, at most, I have a month to get another job. I think I'll search for one over the next week, and maybe this weekend while I'm out. I also have to remember to do some of that homework. I'm still on a deadline. Fun.

Well, if I'm not on often, that's why.

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