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It's been a genuine while since I've written, or been on Gaia for that matter. I felt the need to write a journal since I haven't. I haven't found the energy to really put my feelings into words. A lot's happened lately and I'm trying my best to keep my head. Every time I introduce friends of mine I feel they begin to get closer to each other and start drifting away from me. There are only a few online friends--hell, a few friends in general, who I really confide in. I don't think I feel comfortable telling the stories of my life to more than two friends I see in my day to day life. I tell my mom what she asks to hear; we're close, but...I don't want to cross the line between mother/daughter and friend. Thats just not right. 3nodding
I'm still dealing with the emotional issues of being completely rejected--that is what I would call it. razz And lately I've been starting to become self-hating, and somewhat suicidal. Although, I would never actually go through with it. I know it would hurt too many people, even if only a little...I don't want to cause an innocent person an ounce of pain. But I do wish I had never been born. One less troubled teenager on the path to no where--you know? If I had never been born I could not suicide and get myself into trouble that way.
I feel pathetic, but some of my best friends are online friends. Two of them are my Canadian friends and they're both so good to me. My female friend and I can open up to each other and we make each other laugh. I've helped her at more than one point in her life, and she's done the same for me. My guy friend has been better to me than any other I've had. He's sweet he's funny he's a gentleman, he makes me laugh we have so much in common and we don't care about the stuff we don't. He's kind of overprotective of me even though we're just friends but...I don't care. :3 He's one that I swear I would have the biggest crush on if he lived here. whee
My life isn't terrible, it's not even bad. My heart just hurts. And I wish it wouldn't hurt anymore. I'm so sick of hurting. I'm so sick of wishing I had someone to hold me and let me cry and get me through this. But theres no one in this world who has accepted me and not judged me for the kind of person I was, besides...him. It makes me sad to think that but I have never had anyone else in this world tell me that as long as it was in the past, it was something we could just move on from. I was bawling when I told him what I've done to myself. And he told me it was okay, and he'd always be there. He told me he'd always be there. I guess he was a liar after all.
 animepurinsesu · Tue Aug 29, 2006 @ 12:21am · 0 Comments |
