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It seems that the times I seriously consider killing myself is when I have the clearest frame of mind. Funny, huh? I just don't really understand that so much. I had a wonderful day today, though I did get a little irritable earlier, it wasn't anything special. Now I feel like taking a knife to my throat. I'm not even really depressed feeling.
I often say that I create my own misery because I feel like I need it. I guess I'm addicted to mental pain. It's kinda like a drug, in a way. Though I truly do feel alone at times, part of the time it's for attention. I want to see people focus on me and care about me. Maybe because I grew up without it? I still don't really like ppl touching me though. I attention seek. Does that make me one of those posers who cut because they can't have their way? Or am I deeper than that? I'm not really so sure anymore.
My first reaction to this kinda thinking is to just shut up and seal off my emotions so that people won't find me poser like and bothersome. I really care about the way ppl see me, if only it's my friends' opinion that I really care about. I've never really liked doing my hair and I usually throw on the first clothes that I can find that match. I abhor make-up and I grudgingly take showers every night. I don't particularly ever give a damn about what ppl think of me and don't make habits out of impressing ppl. Though, I do often go to ppl in certain ways to brag. When I brag in my little occasional ways I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest. I try not to do those kinds of things because I'd been told in the past by friends to not brag- thus I don't. Am I a hypocrite then? I almost shudder at the thought. I try to mold myself to what everyone wants while trying to resist the flow of modern sexuality and teendom. Pressure builds and I often feel lost as to what to do. Maybe it's that very pressure that is the cause of these clear thought suicidal thoughts?
Gawd, I over analyze myself.
 Aoi_Para · Tue May 15, 2007 @ 08:20pm · 1 Comments |
