Looking back over my journal entries for the last few days I've noticed that writing down how I feel has been a really good thing. I have a notoriously messy headspace. Everything I think is a jumble and my emotions are usually totally confusing.
dictionary.com
mess·y
Pronunciation Key (ms)
adj. mess·i·er, mess·i·est
Disorderly and dirty: a messy bedroom.
Exhibiting or demonstrating carelessness: messy reasoning.
Unpleasantly difficult to settle or resolve: a messy court case.
See : Inside PiX's head.
Pronunciation Key (ms)
adj. mess·i·er, mess·i·est
Disorderly and dirty: a messy bedroom.
Exhibiting or demonstrating carelessness: messy reasoning.
Unpleasantly difficult to settle or resolve: a messy court case.
See : Inside PiX's head.
Writing down how I felt was easy.
But writing down how I felt in a way that was coherent and ordered and opening up in a way that was acceptable for viewing by the general public and people who I consider to be true friends was much harder.
Looking back, even after just a week, I can see how I have changed over that small amount of time.
Admittedly I haven't just blurted out my troubles for the whole world to see, I've tried to make it relevant and interesting, I've tried to detach myself from the details of the situation and look at the bigger picture.
I don't know how well that has worked or how interested people really are. I'm not sure I really care that much, but what I do know is that I have explored the concept of trying to untangle the mess that is my mind.
T. S. Elliot
Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.
Most people who meet me think I'm quite a together person, a bit scatty maybe, but in a nice way. A lot of my mates (see "friends" journal entry, there's a difference between mates and friends) comment on how much they wish they could be like me. They see the happy-go-lucky bouncy PiX, who's always there and always grinning like an idiot, the PiX who doesn't let on that it's not all sunshine and flowers. The PiX I want to be.
When I started writing this journal entry I was feeling hurt and confused and very much alone. I was cross with myself for having such a messy life that looked like there was no way of sorting this out.
But while I write I also realise that I am the PiX that I want to be.
Yes it's hard and yes it hurts sometimes and yes it's very tiring constantly trying to be the very best and nicest person you possibly can. It's not easy putting on a brave face the whole time. But that's how I deal with my mess.
And if it wasn't messy it wouldn't be my life!
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