As most of you know already, I am poly and am with two men. Now this isn't going to be getting into any weird detail of course but this is more so for those who are curious about poly in general, my personal poly dynamic and how it works etc.
I'd also like to add that I do not like the term "polyship" because in my head it just sounds a bit juvenile so you wont ever see me referring to my poly relationship as such.
So the way it works for me is, I was with A first. I met him in 2017 and when him and I first got together, both of us were already poly. Now I don't care to give details about that but we got into the relationship knowing that we each will be and have had our hearts open to other lovers.
8 years later, I meet D, my second partner. It was just this year in February where him and I started connecting and around the same time, A found his second partner as well.
The way our relationships work is that they are all separate and will remain as such. A has his partner and myself separately and I have my relationships with D and A separately. Obviously everyone's aware of each other and are accepting but with us, it's that we keep it separate rather than one group as a whole.
My dynamic with A and D are, currently I will live with A for one month, then I will go be with D for the next. Sometimes the times may vary, especially if something's going down and one of them might need me more for whatever reason.
Like anything and everything, it's about balance and prioritizing. As I just said, when one needs me more, I will do what I can to be with him. As far as balance goes, it's just that and is quite simple. There are no favorites which would be wrong and I do everything with them equally. Meaning, one doesn't get more than the other.
This is what works for us and we're all happy with it. However, in the future the living dynamic may change. For me personally, I'm also closed poly which means I'm no longer looking to add anyone else into the relationship. If A or D wanted to add someone else, they're also of course welcome to. It's also not something any of us commonly do. For example, D doesn't seem interested in that anyways and A, he already has another interest in mind which is someone he's loved for a long time anyways but other than that, he's not looking for anyone else either.
Personally, for poly, I find it a little questionable if someone is constantly looking to add more and more people. At that point it just seems like they're just doing it for selfish reasons. The reason my and our relationships are poly is because we legitimately love and have loved other people in the past and didn't want to choose between lovers. With A and myself, being poly is also a big part of our history.
Healthy vs Toxic Poly Relationships
My / our relationships are absolutely a healthy one. As I said, there's no favoriting, no jealousy and no other bullshit. I also just stated another unhealthy aspect to some poly relationships which is the constant wanting to add more and more. Basically some selfish, entitled individuals will use the term "poly" as an excuse to attempt a "harem" or so they can "justify cheating." Basically so they can just get as much 'p***y/d**k' as possible because they're simply just a piece of s**t.
To state the obvious:
That's not to bash someone for wanting to just sleep around though. If you wanna do that, ******** do that just be smart, safe and respectable about it and ******** all, who cares. What's not okay though is when someone will do that and give no ******** about the feelings of other people, ie just using them. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic for anyone in any kind of relationship. Basically, if you're just going to be 'self serving' in a relationship, ya don't belong in any sort of relationship to begin with since that's not what having a relationship is about.
Jealousy & Insecurity
This is one of the biggest concerns and first questions people tend to ask about poly relationships. No, we don't have that in our relationships. There is also a bit of a difference between the two as jealousy is more toxic than insecurity. Insecurity issues are something we all deal with one way or another. It's a normal thing in this world do to the negative conditioning we all receive. It's unfortunate but it's something those of us responsible enough learn to deal with over time.
That being said, if one knows how to work and cope with living with having insecurities, it's not bad overall for relationships. Insecurity isn't as bad as jealousy but it can be toxic when the individual is self deprecating. When it's at that level, they really should seek therapy and need to work on themself before they are seeking a new relationship, let alone a relationship with more than one person.
Jealousy however is toxic. After all the meaning is 'wishing you had what someone else has even if it means taking it from them.' Jealousy is also not to be confused with mere desire. Plenty of us wish we had all kinds of things others have that we don't which is normal. When it's to toxic degrees where you become spiteful, resentful and all around negative about it, that's what I'm talking about when I say jealousy. That is absolutely not okay for any relationship dynamic and those dealing with those kinds of emotions and mentalities absolutely need to work on themselves before seeking out relationships.
Again, my / our relationships are free from any and all toxicity. I wouldn't even bother with someone who was toxic like that to begin with. Poly relationships are not meant to be controlling and vindictive, nor is any relationship for that matter. When I'm with one and not the other, the one who I'm no longer with for a while wont be stewing in negative emotions as one, they knew what they were getting into with me and two, they're reasonable and understanding individuals who know to simply focus on other things during their time away from me.
It's complicated
Yes, I'd be lying if I said my relationships and poly itself wasn't complicated. That doesn't mean it's bad though. It's complicated in the sense that there's simply more than one person involved with another. Adding more people just creates more responsibilities and so on. Yes, it can be hard sometimes but when you're dedicated, you will find ways to make it work.
For example, with my dynamic it complicated things a bit in the financial department. That's because I live in two different homes and have to contribute to two different forms of rent. It's not as bad as that might sound at first because I'm not the only one contributing to each household. Otherwise it simply wouldn't be doable.
Another factor is the fact that it's emotionally hard for me to leave one temporarily for the other. It's absolutely an emotional process when I have to do so and it does cause me to be sad and depressed for a few days. However, I get cheered back up as soon as I get back with the other ones.
Personal note:
I'ma also be real on something. I mostly get like this when I leave D and not so much when I leave A. That's also not because of any sort of favortism which I did mention I do not have and meant so but it's because I'm more so emotionally established with A. That's also only because I've been with him for nearly a decade. Leaving A for a bit doesn't feel as burdensome because I know we will always be together and nothing will ever come between us. With D, we're still kind of newly together even though we've been together for a handful of months. I know I will get the same emotional establishment with him that I do with A but it still needs time to grow more and it will.
That's honestly it for the hard / complicated parts really. Even so, those too can be over come within time.
To have a healthy poly relationship, several things do need to be established as I went over.
- Emotional stability
- Priorities straight
- Intentions pure
- Financial stability (in most cases at least)
In closing I'd like to say that I understand poly isn't for everyone and so long as those who aren't into it can respect it for what it is, when it's legit at least, that's all one could really ask. Also keep in mind that the kind of toxic poly relationships I've mentioned are absolutely not what poly is about and should not be treated as such. Same goes for anything and everything, whatever it is, group of people, subculture, etc, there's always those who will one way or another put a toxic spin on things. Just remember there are actual, genuine roots to all these things and if you don't know, then simply educate yourself as such by reading things like my blog.
Thank you for reading. 🖤
