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Just finding that one special person to give it all back to? |
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I would had never expected lots of things coming.
Wouldn't had expected to have a baby in eight weeks.
More or less. Not so sure right now.
Everyone is scared of something.
Like new changes or staying in the same old ways.
Scared of who they will be or if this is how they're life should be.
For me, I don't want to repeat everything the same from back than
and today.
I have a baby coming. Yes I am very excited and I seriously can't wait.
At the same time, I am struggling on the inside to get over
this one special amazing guy that I met in Hawaii.
He is still amazing and still rocks my planet.
Not in that kind of way but does as well.
I push him away a lot because I don't want to repeat the same thing
over and over from the past and bringing it all back.
I don't want to get hurt or beg for more.
Some days I get a little bit confused.
Only because I had either blamed it on my mother or
I blamed me for not doing what I needed to do.
I know it's a whole lot of bullshit truth but I don't want
anyone to suffer the same way too.
Is it wrong to let the guy you love go just because
your scared to let him back in?
Just scared if it'll harm you and your baby?
Even if he could be a good father to a baby that's not his?
I don't think it would be fair to him to have to wait for me?
I had waited for him for so long. I missed his stupid face but I don't think
I could watch him suffer being around me just because he is with me.
I don't know if I am really doing the right thing. Maybe, just maybe
I was looking it from the wrong way in and the wrong way out?
He wouldn't tell me how he really felt about me? Or tell me what his
biggest problem was? I'd like to know that he is so important to me.
Maybe that's my biggest problem...
I am just pushy to know that I pushed him away.
I guess it all wasn't just good enough for me.
I just wanted to know if he loved me?
Is that to much to ask for? Is it crazy?
Could it just be me? I just want someone that I could live with to live for other than myself without forgetting me and my baby?
I'm not looking for anyone to worship as a lover, just a lover who'd appreciate the
same love. To want to look after each other, cook dinner together, watch movies together, to go places together, skiing or snowboarding or any family activities, or someone who'd go visit friends or family from other states or country. Hell, Japan, Germany, Canada, or any other places that will try to shoot us because we said something that offended them and we didn't know. Something crazy. Or go to a picnic, dances, or places that one of us had gone or haven't gone. I for once, want a life with someone. I don't want to pursue that a lone. s**t, I'd be fine with a ten sums almost. I just want to do something. But I need that trust in that person. That trust in me. That trust I can give without regretting because it wouldn't be a bad choice because we would still love each other and want each other in a life together.
But I guess, all of that was to much, to hard, to bothersome to try out. I don't want to be owned, I just want to be loved. Just tell me you love me and show it to me. Not in bed, just in dinner, lunch, and waking up in breakfast with a kiss and saying good morning. Saying good night with a kiss before bed would great.
I guess I looked at it that way. Maybe I asked for to much but how hard is it?
Love? I already know what it is. An act before cause? I guess? For how I know it. Grew up in it? I should know it? Or maybe I am wrong? I just want someone that I could give it back to because he would want the same.
 xX_THErainbowBATcat_Xx · Mon Aug 12, 2013 @ 02:18am · 0 Comments |
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