May 6, 2010 Thursday 1:04AM
Dearest Sennyo,
I've found today, that when I'm with F4, I have instilled within me a false sense of hope and reality. When I'm all alone, such as when I write to you, I feel and am so filled with anxiety about things. F4 relieves that anxiety. Vidina, for example. She inspires me in a false sense to be motivated and to live.
"I'm very picky," Nucc said.
I realize now another reason as to why I before did not want to be in a romantic relationship; because of the pain that would result when/should I connect myself with you.
You and I's relationship reminds me of that between Phaedrus and the narrator, respectively, from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenence. Although I do have yet to finish that book.
I feel that it is only with Victory, Shorty, Anatomy, and Bowie (Turner) that I can confide my feelings with. I just wish that there was a combination of Shorty, Anatomy, Bowie, and Shadow there for me at school, where I am not alone and therefore not filled with terrible anxiety more than usual.
I want to convince myself that I truly do like Nucc, Sennyo. Quite horrible of me, isn't it? I'm that type of damned girl that /p/tards are always complaining about. I'm so ******** stupid and horrible. A ******** horrible person. I want to convince myself that Nucc is someone that I want to be with, forever. "Settle", even though that is something he has warned against.
I hate myself. I loathe myself.
I do know though, that I'm much more pleasant now that we're a pair.
Wait— I feel that I've told you this before... oh, dear, god...
Well, yesterday, I don't know if I told you this or not, but my phone had been returned. In a large box about 16x7x4 and at the bottom of a coil of paper-stuffing was my phone fitted snuggly within a small, fuzzy, red mitten.
I ... can't talk any more. Forgive me, Sennyo.
[End Log] 1:22AM
Poison Fairy Sennyo Community Member 
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