April 28, 2010 Wednesday 9:36PM
Sennyo,
I had a wonderful day today. Tonight, really.
Phi was great as usual.
I wish my selfishness hadn't gotten in the way.
The three of us, Victory, Vidina, and I, created this silly new thing called "The Powerpuff Rangers" where we each say "Power [insert name".
For instance. Vidina is "Power Crazy", Victory is "Power Victory", and I am "Power Poison".
Vidina has agreed to be Nucc's younger sister on Saturday. Thank Yevon for her. Really. I'm so terribly grateful for her. Although she gives me a false sense of hope for the future, in the best of ways possible, she has also introduced me to the artificial sense of pleasantness, given to me by the abuse of medications.
Thanks so much, Vidina. Thank you.
Victory too, thank you.
We'll be meeting on Saturday, at around 3-3:30PM, Nucc and I.
I feel like what had been my ... obsession (//>_>///) of him before our feelings for each other were revealed has faded away, to a sort of contentment. He means to much to me, dearly.
_____. I can't, or rather, I don't want to say His name.
Is this how it was meant to be? Coming to the age at which you exist, Sennyo?
Like all gods and their peoples, I'm changing and modifying the principles laid out by you to suit me.
I'm unsure of what you want. Unsure of what I want.
Oh, Nucc.
A while ago, as I have told you last, Nucc and I were talking about ruby and Wolf and our differences, mindsets, etc., and I think that this may be why mother-person and I don't get along so well.
ruby, a person who is(was?) a mother-like figure to me is so emotional. Irrational. Looking back on old things, such as our PMs to each other on facebook, I realize that she and I are so different.
Such as her little tiff with Hippo several months ago. So immature. Emotional. Submitting to her feelings. Not in the bad way that Wolf does, but still.
Even so, a mother-figure she is to me.
I don't want this day to pass.
Still, the daydream, no, the dream itself, of meeting Nucc lives within my heart. Oh, so fickle, heart. Not ready to become a reality yet.
Again though, I am adjusting my god to suit me. My excuse is that this is what you wanted. I came to this age at which you exist so that I may start a new (an excuse this still is), so that I may get _____ out of mind, and replace him with something else. Someone else.
I can't sense him with any of my senses any longer. Sight, hearing, touch, none of it (as I have never experienced Him through scent or taste).
I want to be unselfish, in the way/like the way that Vidina and Victory are.
I don't want to play a role.
Philosophy class has finally come to play in to my heart. Perhaps it's because we've been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance lately. How reading affects my writing so. Nucc would probably be disappointed in me, that I'm so much like ruby and Wolf in this way.
Anyway, as John Paul Sarte had said, we try to assimilate ourselves to roles to restrict our freedom; in attempt to free ourselves from it. I think that is why I was so desperate for a while to find a role. So I could live without struggle.
That is not to say that I don't still desire this though. Nucc>death/the eternal role. I'd like to think so at least. Right now, Nucc is still in the dream-state for me. Not quite real. A peasant prince of modern day with faults and flaws. A real person. Not Him in any way, even in all the characters that He has taken shape in/as.
Sennyo, is this what you had wanted? Please.
[End Log] 10:10PM
Poison Fairy Sennyo Community Member 
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