March 4, 2010 Thursday 8:51PM
Dearest Sennyo,
Today at school was about as feelingless as usual when silly conversation didn't distract me. Veil and I's relationship is falling apart, I'm sure. I'm glad she's stopped with the hugs though after I told her not to a while ago.
Turner... I feel like we could be great friends if it weren't for our differences and that I feared her. It seems that the only person I can trust in real life is Shortie.
I suppose what I really wanted to tell you was about my encounters today.
Today, at a short time before 6:49PM Jonathan began chatting to me on yahoo.
Well, we decided that if we ever met up in Sweden that we'd jisatsu together... he's just different. Rhea was right. It's like he's a bit forceful in things. Perhaps it's because his native tongue isn't English, but still. Well, we got each others addresses and so we'll be exchanging letters soon I guess.
Something that just about burst my heart though: Duru says that he's thinking about moving back up to IN, and that I'm the first F2er that he's had a significant desire to meet.
I'm such an a**. Such a loser. Jonathan said that he wants to be like me, and be friends again. And then Duru says that he regrets not having sent a more sentimental Christmas card to me, like how mine was to him.
He... he said that he still keeps the card on his nightstand. There was a time when... no, that's incorrect. Even during that time when I really liked him, loved him, as I overuse that word, I'm sure it would have hurt just as much. I'm so afraid to let him down, for him to let me down.
Was it a dream that I imagined him saying that he doesn't like apologizing? A lucid dream? Or, something that I had actually read, but he had deleted it afterward: erasing any evidence that it was even real.
Ha... he said in his PM that he would've preferred to have called me about the stuff. I hadn't been on F2 at all yesterday, and I feel it slipping away from me and I slipping away from it. I guess I don't have what it takes to be a good member like ruby. I really don't. I fear that the day will come when F2 will become just as painful as F1 was and still is... yet, Duru... will he hang on to me? I wish often that he and all the rest of F2 would just drop me, like draNaj. I think I would want otherwise though. Kind of like when I left last year for about a week. I would still lurk every now and then to see if they noticed. Perhaps they, like me, think that if a person leaves then it is his or her choice, and that's it.
I realized today that I don't really have any close friends. There are close people, like those in the F2-lenlma, or were in it at least... but not close friends.
Victory experienced something tragic last Thursday. Her friend had died in a car crash due to her not having her seat-belt on.
Yesterday at the youth group the DDR thing didn't play well at all. I realize now that if I'm going to hang out with these new people, then I need to give up some of my joys as well. Den Ruts looked at me a few times, a few times eyes locking as he lay on the orange couch to the right, I to the left. Then, he was looking at me when I was talking to Alicia about OGTs. I'll miss him when he's gone. I'm thinking about leaving the youth group eventually after he leaves.
Duru... I don't want to meet you. Not with these feelings I have for you. Please, just wait until it's subsided and we're just good friends, like how Hippo and I are. Please.
9:56PM
Poison Fairy Sennyo Community Member 
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