In five weeks or so, i will be leaving California and moving to Oregon not with my dad but on my own.
I will be leaving san francisco, my dad, my friends and everything else.
I will bring with me only what i must.
I love my dad, i love san francisco and I like all of my friends
i am grateful for all of them and would say thank you but it sounds so shallow
and meaningless compared to what i want to say.
But I have to, need to leave. I am going with my step family to Oregon.
to prevent my own mental, emotional decay and damage
to move forward i must go forward or my past with bring me so far backwards
i will fall and fall and keep falling until there's nothing left of me to hit the bottom.
I can not let this happen. I want to live a life not die it.
I can not let myself become a shell. Thats not who i am nor is it who i want to be.
for so long now, i have been manipulated by my own trauma responses and my survival habits it drives me mad and to tears. Its as if i never left the people and places that caused me have such pain and painful reflexes.
but i am not my own programmed reflexes, though they try to be me and control me, i am not my pain.
My demons will not win.
i must leave, because here with my dad school and san francisco
its not the extremely bad nor is it good.
In most of my life i have only delt with situations that were intensively bad or
wonderfully good.
but now it is not really in the middle and not really good
every day becomes lifeless pointless and chained
schedule after schedule, top priorities after top priorities
I become colder and colder and more and more numb.
If i become to cold
or to numb i will shatter.
i can not let this happen when i have the answer to stop and prevent it in my hands.
i cant let myself get in my own way of just being and being happy.
I cant let her win.
The Journey of a smile My song my band
Bubble Chamber
