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Coursing through my head like blood through aching veins

music.

inspiring me ,
music
calming me, it is..
my false sense of warmth and security,
when in truth i have both already locked within me,
like giant fish in an arctic lake,
the lady lulls away slowly her soul like the melting of night
morning smells to much of spring and fall of old concrete walls.

i hate phones
i cant seem to speak with out stuttering and choking on my shyness

yet i have nothing to fear or hide normally my throat does not stutter and breathe in rocks.
i want to listen and communicate to the person on the other end..
but
i hate phones

and i wana watch stars tonight or listen to a nice soundtrack of rain and city life


i hate phones

i wanted to do something but i let my dislike of phones get in my way.

Have you ever thought of jenga in terms of life?

or perhaps lincon logs or even legos

wel heh i did

so many people wish to color out of the lines

but in this photo me when i was 4 or 3
i remember my thoughts that were so serious:

i wanted to "be nice to the lines and colors" so i struggled endlessly
to color in the lines with water and paint

in the end i cried a little and speechless
because i thought i was mean
i broke a glass i felt that i was the glass and
i would never be forgiven for breaking it
only hit again and again like the rest.

it makes me laugh now, a painful kind of laugh

i was taught to do all that i was told
and that to do wrong is to be wrong and bad

i was taught to be a person molded into some tool
or toy to tinker with.

but then i learned that would make me a "monster"
and i refused


i wonder how it would have been if i never fought back or left
but i would never want to find out



i hate phones

a necessary annoyance ,

but i want to talk to you and to all




i use to hate talking
but loved words

now i am vague trying to do and be specific


i didnt get to do what i wanted to today





i look at you,
i look in you
and around you
your heart so many layers of shattered existence

and it hurts me to know i can not help or save you

but i am not one to deny truth

i have seen and felt like this many times


your cycles of pain, and self-hatred

i relate to on many levels
and my self hatred i have cured
i love myself not in the ego way
but the level of my soul and heart

I have answers

but they were answers to my own questions
to my own life


and theses answers

have worked for many others

but this does not mean
they will help you if they come from me..

i dont know your heart as well as i know mine

but it is not for me to know

but like the world of the dying
i can not offer it all life

only to a very few

at least not in this life

i have to much to loose
and i am much to protective
and much to human

i hate phones

and i hate what they do to me


music understanding me i listen to understand its story to hold me so i may live second by second and still remember to breath in the now and receive its strength to carry on.