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Father
As my mom and I were just arriving at the house, we both noticed that dad's car was parked in the driveway. I don't think either one of us knew what to think in that moment. Maybe dad had time to realize what a big mistake he was making? I wondered to myself. As we pulled into the driveway next to my father's car I noticed that he was still sitting inside; waiting. As I got out of the passenger's seat, he then rolled down his window to talk to me.
“Ally, I'd like to take you out to dinner so we can discuss a few things, since I didn't really have the time the other night,” he eyed my mother occasionally while speaking with me, but his face was unreadable.
I looked over to my mother who had not yet gotten out of the car, “is that alright mom?”
“Yes Ally,” she quick faked a smile to me, trying to make it seem that everything was alright, though I knew otherwise.
With a few brief parting words between my parents, I hopped into the passenger's seat of my fathers vehicle. Silently I sat there while he drove us both to a nice restaurant. During the drive I tried to remember the last time my father and I ever spent time alone with one another. I couldn't recall a moment at all, which made me feel a twinge of sadness inside.
Once we arrived at the restaurant we were quickly seated at our table. No words were spoken while we both scanned over the menu. I knew what I wanted right away, but continued to keep looking at it blankly, unsure of what to say. All I hoped for was that dad would speak first and break the tense atmosphere that surrounded us.
“So how is school going Allison?” my father spoke while eying me over his menu.
“I-It's going alright. I made a friend, Marissa, and we are going to the homecoming dance together in a couple of weeks,” I tried to appear happy and excited during this moment of small talk, no matter how awkward it felt.
My father merely replied with a gentle smile and continued to look at the menu. I wondered if he felt uncomfortable as well in this situation or did it even phase his cold collective nature. His silence soon started to annoy me and I placed my menu upon the table, staring at him, willing him to come right out and say what he needed to say. He eventually noticed my annoyed face staring at him and proceeded to clear his throat.
“Your mother and I, well, we have just grown apart, and I think it best if we take a break from one another,” he spoke with such a pompous air, which infuriated me.
“Take a break? Take a break from what? You are hardly home to take a break from it. Maybe if you were home more often you wouldn't feel like mom and you have grown apart. How dare you punish us by leaving when its you who has chosen your work, time and time again, over your own family!” I couldn't stop myself from yelling at him. I knew people were staring, but in that moment all I saw was my father sitting across from me, with not a hint of emotion on his face, as if my words had no meaning at all.
I felt like my father was gone. That this stranger sitting across from me was just that; a stranger. Tears started to trickle down from my eyes, and I wiped them away furiously. I wanted to stand up from that table and run out the door, running as far as my legs could take me. In the end I couldn't move, I was a mix of emotions, angered by his silent response and terrified at the same time.
“Are you done with your overly dramatic display,” he spoke in a stern whisper. “I don't have to explain my reasons to you. I am your father and you should treat me with respect. You should accept my feelings on this, instead of raising your voice and putting on a little show. Don't ever embarrass me like this again. My intention here tonight was to let you know that I would be moving out and that I will try to see you as much as I can, but if you carry on like this then forget it, I won't waste my time.”
His words hurt. Every syllable spoken felt like a dagger being jabbed over and over into my chest. It felt so tight, I was starting to lose control and my composure. More tears flowed down my cheeks and I couldn't stop myself, “Are you having an affair, daddy?” I quickly covered my mouth and looked upon him in fright.
He didn't say a word as he stood up from the table. Without looking at me he spoke, “I will call your mother to come and pick you up.” My father then proceeded to walk away and out the door, not saying another word to me. I just sat there shocked and confused. I looked around the restaurant and noticed everyone's face looking towards me. Some of them held a look of pity, while others stared blankly. I tried to hide my embarrassment by burying my face in the menu; wishing that I was in my room safe and alone.
It felt like hours had passed by when a person placed their hand upon my shoulder. I jumped slightly and looked up at the stranger; it was my mother. In an instant I was out of my seat with my arms wrapped around her waist; sobbing. She stroked my long snow white hair, hushing me, telling me it would be alright. Never letting her go, we both slowly made it to her car, where she helped situate me into the car's seat and got in on the other side.
My mother looked at me and spoke with a calm, soothing tone, “angel, tell me what happened.”
I stared at my mothers gentle face, but no words would come out. How can I tell her that I asked dad if he was having an affair? How can I tell her that he didn't even respond, not even to deny it?
“Sweetheart, don't worry. You can tell me anything. I am sure what you have to say, I have thought of before.” She looked so sad in that moment and it hurt me inside that I might add to her grief, but I had to tell her.
“I asked father if he was having an affair, after I yelled at him for leaving us.” I couldn't look up at my mothers face, so I just stared down at my feet, wishing that all of this was just a nightmare and I would wake up in bed knowing that my parents were just downstairs waiting for me to join them for breakfast.
As I was concentrating on my own thoughts, I almost didn't hear my mother's softly spoken question. “What did he say?”
I looked up at her and saw something I had never seen in my mothers face; a look of fright, a look of uncertainty. She was always composed and strong, even when the bullies were picking on me as a kid. She would tell me to stand up straight and don't ever let them see how their words affect me; I admired her so much. Now she looked like the scared little girl that I was in grade school; it was now my turn to be the strong one, for her and for myself.
“He didn't respond. All he told me was that he was going to call you to come and get me. He wouldn't even try denying it!” I couldn't help yelling that last part so I quickly apologized.
“It's alright angel,” she spoke softly, then turned to look straight ahead, and proceeded to drive away from the restaurant in silence. There was really nothing more that could be said. None of us had any clue what was going on with daddy, and it was pointless to think about the possibilities.
Soon enough, my mother and I arrived home once again. This time the driveway was empty when we pulled up to the house. Mom got out of the car first and went straight to her room, silently shutting the door. I did the same and crashed on my bed wishing that I would never have to face reality again, wanting to forever sleep and dream of happier times.
My alarm had other plans in mind and sounded off as usual, allowing me enough time to prepare for another day of school. It was a silent morning for my mother and me. I almost couldn't wait to get to school to avoid the unanswered questions wafting in the air.
Marissa was waiting for me outside the school doors when I arrived, and I guess she could tell that I was in one of my down moods. “What's wrong? Did Max try to pull something last night when you guys were working together? If he did I might just have to write up an embarrassing story about him,” she asked with a playfully evil smirk upon her face. It was enough to get me to laugh a little.
“No, actually last night Max and I got along. It's my father that I am having issues with, and if you don't mind, I really don't feel like talking about it; not yet.” She nodded in agreement as we both headed off to our lockers to gather our day's worth of books.
School was like any other day, but I was so focused on other issues that it seemed to just pass by. It was already the end of the day and I was back at my locker preparing to head home. I was almost packed up when I heard a voice from the other side of my locker.
“Don't we have plans to get together after school today?” It was Max, and I had forgotten about our art project.
“Oh sorry, I had totally forgotten about it. I've kind of had other things on my mind,” I grabbed my things and shut the locker door.
“I can tell, you didn't even have a bit of excitement in your face in art class today. You appeared to be in your own little world, which is why I thought you might have forgotten so I came to find you. Do you still want to work tonight?” he looked down at me and there was a slight worry in his facial features.
“Yes its fine, I really don't want to go home anyways,” I responded with a fake smile, hoping that he would not ask why yet wanting him to at the same time.
He didn't say anything else as we both went to the empty art room to continue our project. We did the same as before and switched spots after an hour. It was getting to be almost time for the both of us to head home for the night, and neither one of us said much to the other. Max soon broke that silence.
“Pri...I mean Ally,” his face flushed as he continued. “Do you want to talk about anything? I can tell there is something bothering you, and I can just listen if you like. I won't even respond unless you ask me too. Sometimes I think its just best if you let it out, you might feel better.” That same look of worry took over his face and I actually believed he was sincere.
“My dad is moving out and my parents are separating. He said that they had just grown apart, but its really his fault for not being around at all. He is always at work and rarely has time to spare with my mom and me. And...last night I asked him if he was having an affair and he said nothing. He looked so mad at me and left me at the restaurant to wait for my mother. It was like it didn't matter that I was his daughter, like I didn't matter at all to him. Sometimes I wonder if he truly loves me or if I am just a hindrance to his plans.” I started to sob and I could feel my body tremble. I wanted to scream out to everyone that could hear me that I was in pain, that I didn't think my father loved me, instead I just stood there sobbing uncontrollably.
I could feel my legs start to shake and I thought at any moment I would crash to the floor in a heap of tears; until I felt a warm embrace. Max took me into his arms and just held me. He let me lean on him as he supported me; stopping me from falling to the floor. My tears soaked his shirt, but he never let go of me, instead he just rubbed my back gently. It was a couple of minutes before my tears stopped, yet I remained in his arms. I felt safe once again. I could feel Max shielding me away from all the pain of the past couple of weeks, even years. It felt like we were us once again, and I did not want that feeling to go away.
“Am I interrupting something?” Cecilia spoke with a hint of annoyance as she stood in the doorway.
Max slowly let me go, but he looked at me as if to ensure that I would be okay. “It's nothing Cecilia, Ally has just been having a rough couple of days and needed a friend. Can you give us a minute?”
Cecilia huffed and walked out the door, making it known she was not happy. Max then turned to me and wiped a tear off my cheek. “I know things don't look good, but I am sure your dad has an explanation for his actions, he just can't put it into words right now.” I rolled my eyes to that, but Max continued. “If you need someone to talk to in the future, I...I will be here, don't worry.” It looked like he wanted to hug me once again, but something stopped him.
“Thank you Max and I will be okay. I just sort of had a melt down thats all. Um... same time tomorrow then?” I looked up at him.
He smiled. “Yup, I think we will be done in no time.”
I smiled in return and walked out the door. Cecilia was standing against the lockers next to the classroom and didn't speak a word to me. She had this look that could turn anyone to ice, and I did not want to be in her path, so I left without trying to explain things.
I felt lighter as I walked down the hallway, like a weight was lifted. I had Max to thank for that and I would definitely thank him tomorrow; I couldn't wait for morning to come.
 eimichan · Mon Jun 02, 2008 @ 03:25am · 0 Comments |
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