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I've been finding myself missing him when I should be wishing bad things to happen to him. I want to be able to tell him that I hate him, that he doesn't mean anything to me...that I never want to see him again.

But, I can't. Why? Because I don't want those things at all. I just want to be able to tell him that I love him. That I love the way he breathes so heavily in his sleep. That I love the way his hair smells when he's just close enough for it to reach me. That I love all the little things that I feel like I'm the only one who notices them.

What's the worst is, I even like it when he yells at me, or when he gets mad at me...because, then I alteast know that I exist to him still. I'd let him yell at me the rest of my life if it meant he'd still be there.

And I'm afraid to lose him altogether. If it makes him happy that I don't exist...I'll be heartbroken. I'll want to fight and kick and scream and tell him " NO. I WANT TO BE HERE. WITH YOU." But, I know that I'll eventually come to my senses and give him what he wants. Because I want him to be happy. Even if it means I'll never be happy again.