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My Feet and Hands Bleed
I've thought about this before, but I've never really decided to do anything about it- I suppose because I wasn't ready, yet; I am now.
I too, like so many crazy, screwed up, imperfect people: am a self-mutilator. I have admitted this in my head, now in print, and soon aloud- maybe even to others.
I'm not ashamed, perse, that I hurt myself, it just never really occurred to me that it was a problem and therefore should mention it to someone. Besides, these days it's almost a fad to be someone who needs to "drown their pain" (the "Angst Age" is what I call our current day). People who were brilliant- like Beethoven or Sherlock Holmes or Picasso - were alcoholics, drug addicts, and just plain mad. Everyone knows this now, but because they were famous and brilliant and such, no one cares if that's what it took to keep being that way. We have a great mentality today, don't we?
That isn't why I don't care if people know I'm a mutilator, though. All my life I've heard about my family and friends of the family and even perfect strangers who spend their lives suffering in silence with depression, abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, or self-inflicted) from family, spouse, or friends because of one thing: these are taboo things, too scary and disturbing to mention- things we wish just didn't exist. But therein lies the problem, they do exist and anyone can be the next victim. I want to help other people who suffer and don't know what to do about it- that's why this is even more important to me. They don't deserve these ills anymore than I do, the fact is: no one does.
There is not a need to feel ashamed of myself because I cannot help the circumstances that came about to make me this way. In other words, the past is in the past, what was done has been done; all I can do is live in the present and plan for the future. I self-mutilate, I cannot change the fact I started, but I can begin right now to find and get the help I need to stop, so my future will be free of this burden.
Wish me luck!
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