My sister was screaming and screaming and screaming at her "husband" again today (they really are married, but those few who actually know about it are just waiting for him to come to his senses and divorce her.). Now, I suppose, that must be part of the reason why I titled my journal the way I did.
She's such a crazy b***h; I can't stand her yelling all the time. Kids that have parents that fight suffer terribly; they don't deserve emotional trauma like that- no one does! I used to think when I was younger, that it really didn't bother me, her yelling with my mother, me not having a father... I never let myself think I could possibly enjoy the reverse because, deep in my gut, I knew it would make me cry. I know better now. So many tears have been cried over not being able to change the past. I used to think I wanted to, but our past shapes who we are- I would never sacrifice what I have struggled so hard to become just to have some sick sonofa living again- and if my mom and sister didn't fight, I'm sure one or both would have succeeded in suicide by now...
Anyway, I would just be the same little brat I was when I was little, except I would be trashy and a million times more emotionally abused- if not physically, too. But just because I can't change the past, doesn't mean I still can't have no fights between mum and b***h-sis or have a father that would love me as a daughter... someday... in the future. That's part of what I'm working towards- and I'm gonna get it.
How do I keep my mind in this place when I don't even have one I trust enough to confide in? This is making me want to break down again, but that won't get me anywhere so, I don't see the point in allowing it...
Just a little while longer, and I'll be able to escape into my own life. wink
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