What i dont understand is
WHY DONT I UNDERSTAND!?
it seems to me things are beginning to fall through
everything i have had faith in is beginning to break
and all i can do is watch
suddenly, i'm falling into the same hole i used to be in
im turning the people i love
AGAINST ME
and no one seems to understand that when i say things that are terrible
I DONT MEAN THEM
and still the whole world sees me as a b***h
when all im trying to do
IS KEEP MY HEAD ABOVE THE WATER
im trying to love MYSELF
and still be accpeted
it looks so easy when other people do it
and finally, when i get comfortable
when i stop hating everything minute i BREATHE
something happens
to reveal to me
that i really am a terrible person
who dosent deserve anything that i get
who dosent deserve the awsome friends i have
(who, by the way, have begun to develope brains and figure out that im the worst person ever and leaving me to stew in my own muck)
i dont deserve this spoiled life i have
BUT I CAN HELP IT
I people keep telling myself that one day it will all work out
but im starting to wonder
WHAT DAY IS THAT!?
im getting older
im growing
and in but 2 small years, my life will begin to end
in 2 years, i'll have to stand on my own two feet
in 2 years, renee wont have the time of day for me, let alone see me through random tasks and still understand that im have issues in my independence
in 2 years, shell probably hate me, and ill lose my BEST FRIEND becuase im such an a**
in fact, in 2 years everyones leaving me
im preparing myself to say goodbye to the people who make my life, an adventure
Goodbye to the most important people to me
goodbye alex, the girl who basicly completes me
goodbye randy, the guy who cant seem to understand that hes the first guy i have ever opened up to so fast
goodbye marrisa, the girl who keeps me guessing (and who dosent know that i love every minute of it)
goodbye jake (to the guy i have involentarly loved for the past 3 years of my life.)
goodbye kyle (hell, i already said goodbye to him and now i feel like theres a big, bloody hole in my chest that no one else can see)
and goodbye to everyobe in between
in 2 years im going to have to become a whole diffrent person for me to be able to SURVIVE
in 2 years, i think i might just curl up
and DIE
becuase i dont know how to do any of those things
the world is new to me
i belive in the good of people
is that so terrible?
i belive in my freedom to be myself and not be hated
should i be punished for that
i belive in asking for help when i genuinly dont know and not having to be laughed at
is that too much to ask?
apprently
YES
becuase only people who are assholes and think they are better than everyone else ever make it in todays socitey
only THIER dreams come true
******** the rest of us
oh, and too the people who think i have it easy
I DONT
i dont understand ANYTHING in this world
and no amount of money is ever going to change that
all im ever going to amount to is a big, fat, ugly, stupid
DISSAPOINTMENT
what if i gave up right now?
NO ONE WOULD CARE
i mean, even the only guy i ever loved, left me
becuase i wasent good enough
I'll never be smart enough
I'll never be pretty enough
I'll never be cool enough
I'll never be determined
or helpful
or nice
or experianced
or anything more than this discusting FAILURE
that i'll always be
and the worst part
is that i thought
for a breif, shining year
that i was going to be OK
but I was wrong
and now
thats all i have left to hold on to
im your average teenaged aquarius
go figure
you love me anyway
heart
