So, yeah. I have come down again into this mood. I just need to let my heart explode with the truth kept hiding withing before my whole self entirely explodes. Ironic and pathetic at the same time, don't you think? Well if you're think so then get the ******** out of her since you're none of my concern and probably must be extremely bored to read my shitty page of black feelings.
Well, now that we cleared that out, I have come to tell you all, my friends, the truth. I can't hide it anymore and as long as I keep it hidden I won't be able to stand but roll around into deception. I have had quite many adventurous yet amazing days in gaia and it was because of love, yeah the some one that drew me like this but hey what can I say, it's a double-edged result. Well, first of all I must thank the ones that made those days capable which I'll dedicate a paragraph towards each one of them, they're always loved by my heart even though they don't belong nor will come back to me. I won't let them, once they've gave up on me, there's no turning back.
The one who started and showed me the term used as love was a girl who happened to be four years younger than me, yeah her. Her name? I won't give username but real name, it was Allison. Yep, she made that thing flutter inside my heart until it perished because of her decision, but that wasn't all. I gave her a chance to be still friends though my jealousness made her ran away. Ever since April, five days after my birthday, I haven't seen her online. Which was okay, since it was her decision and I don't blame her for hating me. I'm putrid, heh. What part of Morbid Filth people don't get? Oh yeah, I changed my name from cyraet to this because of what she left in me. :] What I got from her? Deception and my mind grew rather mature after such thing.
Secondly comes...Oh yeah, the sweet yet endearing Pascale. No, I'm not being sarcastic, I was being rather foolish with myself but yet I began to love thanks to her, my feelings were dismissed right after something happened, she knows what did but I didn't cared, I've forgiven her and we still talk. She didn't run away and it means that she's a strong friend. It didn't last long so I didn't grew that attached to her, though...I wanted it to bloom, but it just withered, just like this ragged heart I own. What I got from her? Not to trust people so easily, she managed to break that barrier, rather easily, I was amazed as well as her, but hey it didn't work out.
Thirdly, uhm...This third one has been in my mind for sometime but I never gave her choice to love, always casted her away because I was being a blunt c**t, apathetic one, yeah, I was thinking of that name for myself by these past weeks. Her name? Chelsea, she happened to came right in time whenever I felt down, I felt deprived from any feeling, she always came and made my day shine. That was my first flaw, I started loving her but she got someone else, it wasn't going to work out. He was and is better than me in any aspect, I can't hold this but hey, I can't hide it either. What I got from her? Tell people the things straight and not mess around with them, that way assumptions won't scorch their mind so easily.
The fourth one...Now...This one was quite special, I've left her at the end because...She was rather a dainty thing. I always named her like that even though I met her as a him, which means, yep, she had a male avatar, a p***s in other words. I happened to draw near to her, met her while being with the first gaia love and kept her friendship rather...lingering, she was quite distant from me, she even made a new avatar just to run away from me but I could catch her, I could see through her avatar and knew it was her, I had a simple nickname for her but truly, her name was Amber as she stated, I let her go not too long ago because, I couldn't fight it. I couldn't bear it and her leaving made me pour into even more tears, it was because of her and a certain someone that I had to spread out my words in an earlier page of this journal. Even though she left, I still got her in my mind. If you read this, I'm sorry for any trouble. What I got from her? That I need to set up my goals and if there is a special someone out there, I'll find her no matter what, if we are bound to be, we'll meet up again.
Now, that's as far as I've gone into relationships. Even though I tend to fall easily in love, those four ones are the ones that actually touched me. And maybe...there will be a fifth one soon, which...I will really hate if we happen to argue. She's rather special as well even if she denies it, I'm not saying names but she'll know for sure, when I get the time. I will stay away from online relationships from now on, unless another one comes and actually breaks that dull barricade.
I've lost a friend as well, Ollie. Just because of her religious beliefs but I really don't mind anymore, I put you here as well because you're special to me. We knew each other before being regulars into that thread, that makes you friggin' special whether you like it or not. It's a shame to lose you but from now on, I'm tired of the bullshit this world has to offer, sorry if you don't like strong words but that's the way it is. I'm going to change my name, since it doesn't matter and I'm no longer going to make you change, but I, on the other side, will change.
Also, on a side note;;
I'll start deleting friends from my contacts. Those who I don't speak to that often will be deleted.
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I'll be honest, we shouldn't waste time talking, let's go right into action. ;D
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Morbid Filth
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