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Music: Ayumi Hamasaki "Wishing"
Mood: Hard to describe..

I am now 19. And my mother wishes I was dead.

At least Kenji loves me. I cannot live without him.

Ironically, I cannot seem to stop thinking about when we first met. I know it was over two years ago now, but my feelings have never changed. Even when I tried to make myself think that they did. It was foolish. And I could never fool my heart over such a thing. I can remember just aching to see you. Just wanting to learn more about you. Your words, your thoughts, your everything. It was all so intreguing to me. Everything that was and still is you I love so. When I felt alone in this world you were always there. I know some of those past times I did mistreat you. It was never my intention. I know that even now I tend to take all of this for granted. But I love you more then anything and I always will.

I remember just two years ago you spoke to me about dreams in Japan and so many magical, romantic moments that we were yet to share. But I really don't think either of us knew it would be anything like this. And yet for the time last summmer (it will always be last summer to me) that you came to see me, I was blind to your feelings even though you were holding them right before me. No wonder we shared those two innocent kisses. From the first time you touched me, I knew you had been waiting almost forever for it.

So many firsts were together and now with our insane lives I know we take for granted what we created just two years ago. When you fell for me and I for you. I was puzzled when you told me of your feelings. But I was even more puzzled when I heard a whisper inside my head. "I do too..."

I may be nervious about leaving Seattle now, but I know I cannot be away from you. I will not do that again. When I came to see you, I felt completely emersed in your life. Your energy, your being. I loved learning more about where my beloved prince came from. And I know that going back there, I will learn even more.

I want to make a photo album of us. From when we first met, to when we first touched. First danced, kissed, loved. Everything. I want to always keep photos of us as our love grows. And one day, there will be photos of our wedding. And so much more to come.

I want to always celebrate our love. Because I am truely blessed to have you.

And I just want to scream. I am tired of playing this game.

Music: Gackt "Rain"
Mood: sad

I just can't do this. Everything inside hurts.

*sniffs* Damn love songs...*wipes eyes*

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Josh Groban - "To Where you are"

eek My mouse just started moving on it's own! Wow, that was bizzare. sweatdrop

Music: Gackt "Kalmia"
Mood: Waking up

I am a night owl. sweatdrop This must be the 4th or 5th day I have woken up around 12-1 after playing Final Fantasy VII into the wee hours of the morning. Aya= has no life and needs a job VERY badly. Thankfully I feel proud because I applied at JC Penny yesterday. Not really my place to work. But work is work. My other option would be to call the hotel again and mention that I am still interested in the job that they never gave me. X.x At least I got as far as an interview. I am just feeling a tad useless and unproductive stilling here all the time. I only have class on Mondays and Wednesdays. In which, is still in jeopardy because of my mother's obsessive lieing and procrastination. I swear, I cannot stay here under her control any longer. But Kenji and I cannot afford to have a place of our own. Nore can we leave Seattle to go live with his family in NC. It's not that they would not take us in. It's more because he has to finish school. sad

Me? I have no idea. I am just taking Japanese classes at the moment. I would love to go to music or art school. But my family is pretty broke. My older brother's both live at home. Nore have they ever lived on their own. stare They both have a steady income too. I haven't figured out why they don't live some where on their own but I believe it's lack of money. My mother has not worked in about two years...When I was 15 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. About a year later she changed jobs. Then about 5 months into that job, left and has not worked since. To my knowledge she was on a leave of absence. But I am quite sure it has run out by now. It seems as though we only have enough to get by every month and I find that worrying about money is a rather needless worry. There are thing's we could do to change our misfortune. I just wish my mother would be more responsible. As for my father...What does it matter?

*sighs and shakes head a bit* I am just at my whit’s end I feel. Merely every aspect of my life is a nightmare at the moment. (I am even waking from nightmares every morning..) I do not mean to complain needlessly, but I am just lost. I wanted to have this entry be a bit lighter then this. I apologize. I suppose I just ended up venting a little. Perhaps I should draw some. I have so many incredible images in my head; I just wish I could get them out on paper. My deviant art account has dust on it. confused I wonder what I should spend today doing...

Hm, well, I at least have to say this. All of my friends here on Gaia are wonderful. They have been so supportive and sweet. It really means the world to me. heart Thank you everyone.

Music: A Perfect Circle "Imagine"
Mood: Creative

I feel creative today. I fell as though I want to draw for hours on end. Just to try and create something beautiful. I have been looking at art work for the past hour. (Imkihca?s, Ryuuen Tanaka's and The White Raven's) They are all very talented artists and I admire their creativity. I am awaiting Kenji's return from work, which should be in about an hour. Sadly, I know he is going to be tired and have to do college work. *sighs softly*

I will admit I have had a hard day. Frequent arguments with my mother and feeling emotionally distressed are just the beginning unfortunately. sad Not to mention I can barely look in the mirror without hating what I see. I think I need to change something about myself. I am not sure what. I just feel as though I am bored and maybe a little change will help make me feel more together. Perhaps I shall dye my hair. I have been meaning to do that any way.

My life feels scattered about and I am not too sure how to put the pieces back together. sad My home life is affecting every other aspect of my life. Besides my beloved friends who could care less. ._. I am not sure what to do or where to turn. I am tired and worn from fighting for so long. I no solder. I am no saint. My wings are torn and tattered. My heart is scarred and ever bleeding. And all I wish for through this is peace. All I want is my life back. I want to make something of myself. *sighs* I am so tired of speaking the same words over and over. I am so tired of speaking words that no one seems to understand.

I am just worn.