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...don't mind me... 'cept I'm going to be gone... |
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"I don't know why I'm so ******** cold
I don't know why its hurts me
All I wanna is get with you
and make the pain go away
Why do I have a conscience?
All it does is ******** with me
Why do I have this torment?
All I wanna do is ******** it away"
-Korn
I'm back in that other state of mind, 'cause it's my safety mechanism. Actually, I think it's much worse because I've had to throw new things at myself to convince myself against someone actually liking ME. Luckily for me though, I have accomplished that, and no longer is it fathomable that someone could ever like someone like me. I've been so annoying lately, and I know it. I kept bothering someone because I felt they were the only person I could ever talk to, but as per usual I found myself questioning it all. It's just me, and I'm a complete and total loser.
Why would I do something like I've done? It doesn't matter though, because I've fixed it, and that person doesn't have to worry about my stupidity any longer. Yay... I know finally that they have other things to do, and only say and ask things because they are kind...and so unlike me that they wouldn't have guessed that such things have never been said to me. No one's wanted to hang out with me... I'm avoided a lot of the time, so it's my fault again that I assumed things.. Oh well.. what else defines my life?
Good thing I've finally snapped into the right state of mind, right? I'll stop bothering them, and let them get on with their life...
and I'll stop bothering people at school as well. No more trying to talk to people. No more trying to find help for the complaining me. I'll slip back into denial, and know that nothing could possibly be wrong, and I'm just being overdramatic.
Everything will go back to the way it was...or well... worse than that way I suppose... because it took so much more out of me to rid myself of the happiness I finally tasted for the first time in my life. Happiness is too good for me though, and I can't grasp it for too long... lest I learn how trivial everything in my life has been to this point...
Never mind... I don't even know why I'm saying this... OH..I remember why I started this... because if anyone cares about my absence... I am going to be gone for quite awhile starting next week probably... just thought I'd warn anyone who might care... 'though I doubt it...
In any case... all of you who might've read this...
...I'm sorry...
"I can't stand to let you win
I'm just watching you
And I don't know what to do
Feeling like a fool inside
Feeling all that you hide
Thought you my friend
Seems it never ends
I need somebody, someone
Can somebody help me?
All I need is some pain
Not just for me
Giving you with this and that
Giving gave me nothing back
It's all related to
All the things I do
Feeling like a fool inside
Seeing all the things you tried
I am nothing
I need somebody, someone
Can somebody help me?
All I need is some pain
Not just for me
I look, a sign
I need someone
Inside, to help me out
With what
Im trying
I'm crying
I'm frying
In a pile of
s**t
I'm dying
I'm dying
I need somebody, somebody, somebody, someone
I need somebody, somebody, somebody, someone
Someone"
-Korn
 Jinryoku · Sun Apr 10, 2005 @ 03:03am · 0 Comments |
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Hidden within the larger picture... |
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"Pushing Away the Source
I must forget you,
I can hear the pain; the desperation and sadness within my own thoughts.
I can feel the tears as they sting to show their presence
I can feel them fade away and leave me full of sorrow with no release.
I can see the face that plagues me; the one that I long to forget yet hate the thought of forgetting.
I can taste the bitterness and smell the distinct aroma of defeat.
I can sense it.
I can sense what I long to hate.
Yet I cannot.
I am unable to hate what ails me, for it has reason to exist.
I am condemned to only sit by and drown in the life that is made for me.
I am to see the face of pain...the face of sorrow...
I am to be haunted each and every moment and I fear the thought of pushing it away.
I am hopeful, for this face may be hurtful, yet somewhere within it there is hope.
I am aware the glimmer of true happiness is locked away behind the doors of irritation and anger.
Behind the rejection and disdain.
Behind the avoidance and uncomfortable shifting.
Behind this is where I long to be.
Behind the chains; let me in.
It is no use.
My pleas fall on deaf ears.
My tears are not shed, the ability so long ago stolen from me.
My touch is not returned, only scolding and regret.
My soul, my heart; must not be reached.
My life is so far away.
My dreams, my goals; they mean so little now.
My laughter is hollow; none but me can see.
My pain is my own and now the isolation grows.
My time to forget; to push away the cause of sorrow, 'though with it the speck of hope.
I will be alone...
I will be without the caress of hopeless dreams.
I will be without the illusion of foolish love.
I will be without the soft touch of a caring embrace.
I will be without the dreams of hope burning in the face that pierces my heart.
I will be without the smiles, the laughter, the childish fun.
I will be without the giggles, the sighs, the shadowed feelings.
I will be without the pain, the underlying anger, the looks that deter.
I will be without the confusion, the hurt, the envy and spite.
I will be without it all; an empty shell.
I will be without hope.
To be without you.
::Inner message::
I must forget you
Yet I cannot
It is no use
I will be alone
To be without you."
"Implosion
I thought I broke away...
It's strange how something so joyous can make you realize what you've strived to hide. Such an illusionary world that surrounds us..surrounds me. I was certain I'd made the change. I could swear it. I tried so hard to believe it, yet because of believing so hard, I missed the simple fact that nothing had changed at all. Nothing had differed from the day before.
No...
I shouldn't say that. Something had changed. I believed I was beginning to seem and feel 'normal.' No more sorrow, no more angst, and most of all, no more pretending to be something I wasn't. Sadly...
It wasn't true at all.
It continues to elude me, this 'normalcy.' 'Normalcy' as defined by what I believe to be normal, though my opinion is highly affected by others. How I wish to be included. How I long to be enabled to speak my emotions and thoughtful insight.
Sadly...
There will be no speaking for me. I will be what I am forever more. I'll miss my chance to speak, I'll ruin any companionship I seem to gain; it has already begun. My constant dark 'aura', as I will put it, is grating against anyone and everyone's patience. I have problems, yet I cannot express them as I wish. This, and the fact that some only want to believe my act, pushes the few I know away from me.
It is I who am the cause.
I am the one who is blinded by my inability to express myself. I use it as a shield, to cower behind and pretend is a valuable excuse for the way I am. If I can't even see behind the veil, why do I expect others to? I want them, need them to see me for who I am..yet at the same time I am too frightened to leave myself open and exposed to them. I am a coward, and as much as I openly loathe it, I will not deny that fact.
But who other than I can begin the change?
What change? A valid question. What kind of change is only begun by the individual who wants to change? Is that not any and every change known to mankind? Decisions change a person, no? So again...
What change?
Let us leave the immediate answer a mystery. The only thing I must convey is that I no longer wish to live with the tearing at the core of my being. I don't, yet I do. I fear what would replace the pain once it is gone. Would it be stereotypical 'happiness'? Perhaps it would be a balance of emotions. But what I fear, would be the result that seems so right yet cannot be.
It is the change that would rule my life.
Apathy. A simple word, but with so much significance. What if the lack of pain is replaced with apathy? I've experienced it once. I truly believe that I"ve experienced an apathetic state of mind. None should ever wish for such a thing. Things are boring and the world is grim.
Where nothing matters...
No one's important...
Death can be a relief...
And morals and compassion die away...
Who would wish for such a thing? I sometimes do wish for it, yet I won't let myself fall away, for fear of disappointment and being the cause of pain to others. They don't deserve pain caused by me. I don't deserve to cause pain. But it is my companion...
So I hold fast and embrace the pain.
Cling, hold, and never let go.
Forever more...
Forever more...
Until all else drifts away.
::Inner Message::
I thought I broke away...
No...
It wasn't true at all.
Sadly...
It is I who am the cause.
But who other than I can begin the change?
What change?
It is the change that would rule my life.
Where nothing matters...
No one's important...
Death can be a relief...
And morals and compassion die away...
So I hold fast and embrace the pain.
Cling, hold, and never let go.
Forever more...
Forever more...
Until all else drifts away."
Jinryoku · Mon Mar 14, 2005 @ 03:53am · 0 Comments |
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Random quota-poems...or so I say |
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::Again...steal and die by someone's hands other than mine::
"Emptiness Calling
So empty
So empty
So empty
SO EMPTY
I'm only crying out
with silence...
Waiting for help that I refuse
to accept I am actually asking for...
Cover up the pleas
Cover them up please
Wish for them to slip
but conceal them quickly
None should know the sinful hurt
I contain inside
Everyone will learn before
I have a chance to die..."
"I'm trapped within the confines of my own body."
"...it's so hard to stop caring..."
"Shut Up
Fare thee well then. Every new second brings with it the ability to care about people less. I wonder how many more seconds it will take to finally have the ability needed for the ultimate mistake.
Let me count them.
One
two
three steps closer...
Four more chances...
Five less
Six forward
Seven backward.
Eight...
Nine...
And on
and on
Until my days
are finally at
an end."
"The Busride Home"
At this particular moment, on this day, as I feel this way...
I would choose death rather than life...
Forget the yelling...
Forget the pain...
Forget it all
and give in to the sin..."
"Dying
Even the pain on the outside can no longer drown out the decomposition of the world within.
Things are fading fast...
Soon nothing will be left...
Maybe all will be better off without this burden.
...
I'm sorry"
"Easy
Why can't I just make it easier for everyone...
and either be a
perfect and happy actor
OR JUST
DISAPPEAR...
FOREVER."
"::Written on English notebook::
Lies
Deceit
Unforgiven
...retreat
Things of everyday fiction
Shadowed veils of my creation
Not a moment vanquished too soon
Doomed to life consumed in my dreary room
Thoughts better left never said
A place where all things are hopelessly dead."
"Last Try
I could get over it if you'd tell me what was going on.
I could get over it if you'd just tell me why.
I could get over it if you'd just reject me already..
I know it's going to happen..
So just do it..
Do it like everyone else.
It doesn't really bother me,
Because I want to be the closest friend I could be...
And if that means I must pull away;
That I must leave you alone:
If it makes you happy,
I'm more than willing to do it.
So please hate me and let me move on..."
"Black Heart
Take this little black heart of mine
Take with it my:
Black soul and
Black mind
Black clothes and
Black time
Take this little black heart of mine
Hurry now before I run out of time
Take this little black heart of mine
The lies keep on coming when I say that I'm fine
I'm bathed in black
With consciousness fading
So take this black heart
I won't keep you waiting
Any compassion
Is most foreign here
Though through days of depression
I shed not a tear
If only one person
Would let me in
Days full of darkness
Would finallly thin
Upset by my presence
Most turn and flee
Who will take a chance
And find the real me?
Take this little black heart of mine
Hurry now before I run out of time
Take this little black heart of mine
The lies keep on coming when I say that I'm fine
Take this little black heart of mine
Take with it my:
Black soul and
Black mind
Black clothes and
Black time
Take this little black heart of mine
Hurry now before I run out of time
Take this little black heart of mine
The lies keep on coming when I say that I'm fine"
"House of Pain
Songs of depression
Songs of truth
The words of wisdom
The voice of lies
Nothing lives
and everything dies
Welcome to this house I'm in
The shadows cast
are just reality
To understand is
to say you know me
Wounds left forgotten
invade my head
I cannot stop them
until at last they've bled
Welcome to this house I'm in
Terror in this house I'm in
Hurting is normal
There's nothing to fear
Screams of opression
The pleas haunt the night
Flashes of images
Holding you tight
Welcome to this house I'm in
The shadows cast
are just reality
To understand is
to say you know me
Wounds left forgotten
invade my head
I cannot stop them
until at last they've bled
Welcome to this house I'm in
Terror in this house I'm in
The shadows cast
are just reality
To understand is
to say you know me
Wounds left forgotten
invade my head
I cannot stop them
until at last they've bled
Until they've bled
At last they've bled
They've finally bled
I'm finally dead"
Jinryoku · Mon Mar 14, 2005 @ 03:46am · 0 Comments |
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Random quotables... that are mine..not yours |
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Jinryoku · Mon Mar 14, 2005 @ 03:11am · 0 Comments |
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Do you KNOW how easy it would be to just write those words you want to say to someone? I've done it a few times... because I can't say them. It would be simple, and so quick that it would also be easy to forget that you even did it.
But no... it can't be done by me.. because I look too far ahead. I think about what could happen...and if I really wanted to go through with it... I should just stop thinking about the consequences... but I can't.
Pathetic. *sigh* Still...it would be so simple... I could do it right now, but I won't because I'm holding myself back. Frickin' ....
Jinryoku · Mon Mar 14, 2005 @ 02:58am · 0 Comments |
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I can't help feeling frustrated with everything lately. I don't know why, I just feel that way. All of what I felt not much more than a week ago has subsided greatly though, and I'm thankful for that. Being so self-destructive is really bad, not just to myself. I'm glad no one really noticed, except for one person... but they shrugged it off most likely. It's a good thing too, because I didn't know what I'd say. It's not something I like to talk about...
Well, putting that aside...I just wanted to put something up because of my lack of journal writing lately. It seems that when I get so low, I don't even really want to write anything at all. That is a major sign that something is wrong, if I don't want to do something that obviously helps me a little...and makes me a bit happier to be doing it. I stop wanting to get on the computer, or play the game, or watch tv...or write, or read...etc. I just feel like sleeping all the time. I dunno... but most of that is gone now, so there's nothing to worry about.
Yet... I am still worried. I'm worried I'll lapse back into that again. Each time it happens, it's considerably worse, but I can't... no won't... help myself. *sigh*
Jinryoku · Mon Mar 14, 2005 @ 02:55am · 0 Comments |
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I always feel as though everything I felt before is false. When I start to feel 'good' again, I immediately think that any other way I was feeling before was for attention. I always find a way to dislike myself, I really do. How could I have been so stupid? Not to mention act so horribly around other people. Oi...
Jinryoku · Mon Mar 14, 2005 @ 02:54am · 0 Comments |
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