From Evangelion.
Misa:
In order to establish my identity, I have to communicate with the minds of many people. I have to examine that which is at my core. I have to stare at the Misa who resides on the inside of my mind.
I want to be a good child
Why?
Because I have no papa
I have to be good and not bother mama
But I don’t want to become like my mama
When my papa is not here she always cries
I can’t cry. I can’t depend on anyone else.
So I have to be good.
That way maybe my papa won’t hate me.
But I hate being good. I hate my father. I’m tired of being good. I’m tired of being clean. I want to see my life and reputation ruined. I’m tired of it all.
Is that why you slept with him?
No I slept with him because I love him
Did you really love him?
Yes, he accepted me for myself
Really?
He was kind!
Don’t show this to Shinji
Why are you embarrassed after all that has happened?
You aren’t ashamed.
On the contrary it pleased you to reveal yourself to one you loved.
No
Your happy to show yourself to shinji aren’t you
It’s a lie
Are you sure? Or perhaps it’s your father you’d like to show this to.
No
Wasn’t it really peace of mind you were seeking in kaji’s bed
No
You wanted peace of mind and warmth from kaji
No
You wanted to embrace your father in Kaji’s embrace
Just because you hate yourself is no reason to injure yourself further
Punish yourself is simply a cheat to make yourself feel better for awhile
Don’t do this to yourself
And now you’ll tell me to take care of myself?
Men always do that
They escape to their jobs their own world and leave me behind
Just like my father did
They always escape from their harsh realities
Harsh reality
I am his harsh reality
Of course, I’m a problem aren’t I
I despise myself hate myself
Your vulgar and impure Your pathetic
Congratulations on your promotion,
The me who is recognized is the me who is performing a role in order to be appreciated
But she’s not the real me
Your true self is always crying isn’t she
Yes, but I’m happy
Am I happy?
I am happy
Am I happy?
It’s true I am happy
Am I happy?
I’m not. This isn’t the happiness I wanted!
What is happiness?
This isn’t me. It’s not my true self.
I just don’t want to face the harsh reality!
But we must. We can’t live otherwise.
You’d be alone and afraid.
Unstable.
If nobody was sleeping next to you.
Are you afraid of sleeping alone.
Or does sleeping alone remind you how empty your life is?
She can’t stand not having other souls around her.
So, you’ll sleep with anyone. Won’t you.
No!
Yes, you just want to be infatuated with primal ecstasy
You want to fill the hole in your heart with a temporary escape
You take advantage of men to soothe the hole in your heart
No No NO!
Just what does she wish for?
What do you want?
I want to live by myself. I don’t want my papa and mama. I want to live by myself. And then I won’t cry anymore
But I’m still crying
Why am I still crying
Then my mama was hanging there from the ceiling.
She looked so happy.
But I hated how she looked.
I don’t want to die I don’t want to disappear.
I hate boys. I hate my papa. And my mama. I hate everyone. Nobody cares about me. Nobody stays with me.
What does she wish for?
So I don’t want to depend on anyone
But I hate it at the same time. It’s a pain. I don’t want to be alone.
shinji:
Instrumentality.
You can’t tell what the truth is.
You can barely tell if what your feeling is real.
The truth is within you. And the facts that remain in your memory.
Are what will become your truth.
Truth can be changed from time to time.
This is all real?
This is real, but only one of the many realities.
This is the conclusion you wanted.
Wanted? Me?
Yes, total destruction.
You wished for a world in which nobody would be saved.
No. I didn’t wish for this. The others didn’t save me.
Nobody can save you.
This is what you wished for.
Destruction, death, and a return to nothingness.
You wished for these.
This is the reality.
What is reality.
This is reality.
A world for yourself which exists without time space or others.
A world in which every facet was determined by you.
This is the world where you just wait.
For others to give you something.
That is the reality.
This is your world no matter what.
This is the world that is.
Nothing can change that.
No, you made the decision.
This is the world where your mind decides what will be.
That is the reality.
Weather it is the will of others to survive
Or a wish for death is all up to you.
Are you saying this darkness this insane world
Is really what I wished to create?
You wished for a closed world that was comfortable to you.
In order to protect your weakness.
To protect your few pleasures.
This is merely a result of your wish.
In a closed world. In a world where only you are allowed to be.
Others cannot live with you.
But still you wished to close the world that surrounds you
Your wish ejected things you disliked
And created an isolated and lonely world
This is a world your wishes have created.
A private haven in the recesses of your mind.
This is how it ends. It is one of many possible endings.
This is an ending you brought upon yourself. You chose this fate.
I fear I will disapear.
I can’t disapear because I deam myself unworthy of existence.
Why is that?
Because I am worthless.
An unwanted and useless child.
You don’t care about that do you?
Using that excuse is no different than running away
What you truly fear is failure isn’t it
You fear that you may be hated by others
You fear acknowledging that weakness even to yourself
How can you criticize me when you do the same thing?
You’re right. We’re all basicly the same.
Our minds lack something basic.
We fear that deficiency.
We fear it.
That is why we are attempting to become one.
We will meld with and fill each other.
This is instrumentality.
Mankind cannot live without being surrounded by others.
Mankind cannot survive alone.
Although you yourself are always unique
That’s why life is hard
That’s why life is sad and empty
That’s why you want affection
The close physical and mental presence of others
That is why we wish to become one
The human soul is made of weak and fragile elements
The body and mind are made of brittle components as well
That’s why
Via instrumentality mankind must fill and complete each other
Why?
Must you ask? Because there is no other way to exist
Really?
Why do you exist?
I do not know
Maybe I live to find out why I exist
For whom do you exist
For myself of course
Maybe for myself
Really?
Are you happy being alive?
I don’t know
Do you hate being sad?
I don’t like it
Do you hate enduring pain?
I don’t like it
Is that why you run away?
Yes, you blame me. Why not run from something that hurts?
I mustn’t run away!
Why mustn’t you run away?
Because escaping from the reality can be painful too
Even though your running from something more painful?
I can’t bear it.
As long as you know what the pain is it can be endured
Yes, if the pain is too harsh you can escape it
If you really hate it, you can still run.
No, I won’t. I’m tired of running away.
That’s because you are aware that running only brings more pain.
That’s because running can be far worse.
That’s why you do not wish to run.
If I run away nobody will respect me
Don’t leave me alone
Don’t dessert me I’m begging you!
There he goes again, doing whatever others tell him to
That’s a sad survival mechanism isn’t it.
So what? It’s better than being left alone
You fear being hurt!
You try to make yourself believe that you don’t
Your not the only one who gets hurt.
Everybody feels the pain
You aren’t the only one
It’s just easier for you to think that’s true isn’t it
Shut up. I don’t care.
Why should I? Nobody cares about me
Once again you’ve abandoned all sense of self-worth
I have nothing
There you go again, saying you have no worth at all
Do you believe that by not expecting anything
You won’t get hurt either?
Is that how you sustain your pathetic ego?
By asking others to praise you?
Nobody accepts me
That’s not true. You just believe it to be true.
That’s why I must pilot Eva
That’s your point of view. You’ve been trying to convince yourself. That your worthless since the beginning.
I have to. I have to do it.
Not true, you don’t have to do it.
No, you just believe that you must.
No, your wrong. My life is pointless otherwise.
I have nothing else to be proud of.
That’s why you pilot Eva?
Pilotting eva gives me identity and a sense of purpose.
I had no value before I became a pilot.
The fact that I pilot an eva justified my presence here.
I have no other value.
No other value at all.
A REASON TO EXIST
I perceive no value
Therefore
I hate myself!
You idiot. I hate you
I hate you.
See everyone hates me.
Every person in existence must hate me.
No, that’s just what you imagine.
Yes, that must be it.
Because I hate myself.
Because you hate yourself
No one respects you
But they’re nice to me
When I pilot the eva they treat me well
They act as if they like me
SO YOUR HAPPY?
Other people are being nice to me!
STILL NOT HAPPY
Which are your true feelings?
I don’t know…
Perhaps both are my true feelings
So that’s why you pilot Eva?
I have no choice. I only have the eva.
Otherwise you could not retain your own identity.
In fact eva 01 is a part of yourself. Your sense of being.
If you depend only upon the eva
The eva will become your only identifier
Eva will become your only value
You, the real you, will become erased from existence
I don’t care. I had no other value to start with anyway.
I was learning to play the cello, but that didn’t help me either.
You just didn’t discipline yourself.
But not that I pilot the eva I might be able to.
No, you may lose your identity as I have.
You may lose eva and your self worth.
WHY DO YOU PILOT EVA?
I pilot it because it is all I can do
FINALE
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
What do you wish? Are you afraid of fear?
What do you desire? Do you wish for serenity?
What do you want?
Like me…DON’T HATE ME, PLEASE
WHAT I FEAR IS….rejection
WHAT I WANT IS…contact and acceptance
Can I stay next to you? May I stay here? Do you like me?
YOUR MOTHER….
Do you love her?
Do you really want to be with your real mother?
No, I don’t
Do you want to be with your father?
No, I don’t
Why not?
BECAUSE I’M AFRAID
I’m afraid of being hated
My identity might start to disappear
THAT’S WHY?
What is it that you wish
ENDING THE FEAR
What is it you want?
ENDING THE LONELINESS
Your very insecure, aren’t you
To be secure, I have to have value
I have to be worth something
I want to be worth enough to attract the attention of others
I NEED A REASON TO EXIST
That is something you have to find for yourself
You have to find your own reason to exist
THAT’S WHY I PILOT EVA
I have no value without it
My life is worthless without it
Then what are you?
Then what am I?
What am I!?
This is me
This is the shape that lets others recognize me as myself
It is my symbol for myself
This is…this is…
Shinja
A representation. Everything is a description. Not my real self.
Everythings a shape. An identifier. To let others recognize me as me.
But then what am I?
WHERE AM I?
Is this me?
My true self? My fake self?
You are you.
There is little difference in how you interpret yourself
And how others interpret you.
Right.
My clothes. My shoes. My room.
These are all parts of what makes up myself.
These things are connected through your consciousness.
So, what I think is me, is me.
What I recognize as self, is self.
But I don’t understand myself.
Where am I?
What am I?
THAT’S WHY YOU CLOSE YOUR SOUL
Nobody understands me
What are you stupid. Of course nobody understand you!
Nobody can ever understand you!
The only one who can take care of you
And understand you is you, yourself
So you must take care of yourself
But I still don’t understand myself
I don’t even know what it is that makes me myself
How could I love myself!?
HE IS INSECURE
You are still unstable
That is the present you
And the people around the present you
And the environment that surrounds the present you
None of these lasts forever
Time continues to flow and time brings change
Your world is in a state of constant change
You are capable of change anytime.
Your mind perceives these changes.
What is this?
A world of nothing?
A world with nobody in it?
This is the world of perfect freedom
Freedom?
A world of perfect freedom, a world in which you have
No restrictions
Is this really freedom?
Yes this is what it is
However this world has nothing in it
Unless I do something?
Right, unless you do or think of something
But…
I don’t know what to do or think!
He is uncertain
He has no image of self to orientate himself
There is nothing solid here
It’s a world in which there are no obstacles
THIS IS FREEDOM
This is a world in which you can do anything you wish
But your afraid aren’t you
Don’t you know what it is that you want to do?
Let me give you a restriction
There now you have a top and a bottom
But you’ve lost a degree of your freedom
Now you must stand on the ground
But now you feel easier don’t you?
You have less to trouble your mind
And now you can walk
This is happening because you will it to be
Is this my will?
This world with the floor is the only thing around yourself
But now you can move around anywhere you wish to within it
You could even turn the world upside down if you wanted to
And the position of your world is not the same either
It changes with the passage of time
You can change yourself as well
What forms your shape is your mind
And it’s interactions with the world that surrounds you
You can do anything here because this is your world
This is the shape of your reality
THIS IS THE REALITY
What is this
An empty space
An empty world
A world where nothing exists but myself
With only myself I have nothing to interact with
It’s as if I’m here but not here at all
It’s as if I’m slowly fading out of existence
WHY?
Because only you are here
Only myself?
Without others to interact with
You can’t find your own image
My image?
Yes, in the act of observing others
You might recognize yourself
Your image of yourself is restrained
By having to observe the barriers between yourself and others
And yet you cannot see yourself without the presence of others
Where there are others I can perceive myself as an individual
If I’m alone then I will be the same as everything else
There will be no difference between myself and nothing
By recognizing the differences between yourself and others
You establish your identity as yourself
The very first person is your mother
Your mother is a different individual
Are you really sure that others form myself
It’s your mind that takes reality and seperates it
Into what’s bad and hatefull
It is only the mind which seperates reality from truth
Your view of reality changes your perception of it’s nature
It is all literally a matter of perspective
There are as many possible truths as there are people
But there is only one truth that is your truth
That’s the one that’s formed
By whatever narrow point of view you choose to view it from
It’s a perception that protects you from the twisted truth
That’s true and one can have a perspective that is far too small
But a person can only see things from the perspective they choose
One must learn to judge all things by the perceived truths
That one receives from others
If you are told this is so that is what you will believe
But you can have fun on a rainy day as well
The truth can be changed simply by the way you accept it
That’s how fragile the truth of a human
A person’s truth is so simple that most ignore it
To concentrate on what they think are deeper truths
One who truly hates himself cannot love
He cannot place his trust in another
But I could love myself
Maybe my life could have a greater value
That’s right I am no more or no less than myself
I am me
I want to be myself
I want to continue existing in this world
I am worth living here
Thank you father
Goodbye mother
And to all the children
congratulations
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