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I needed something to vent to, so i vented to Microsoft word. I'm posting it on here because maybe someone that went through all this can help me =/
I can’t help but cry over him. We got off the phone around 10 minutes ago and I’ve been crying since then. What is this? I’m not the Laura I used to be. The old Laura was strong. She didn’t let anything cause her to shed a tear. What is happening to me? I can’t move on. I can’t seem to live life to it’s fullest like every human should be. I’m not happy with my life. Things aren’t the way I wish they were, but no one’s life is up to their standards. I just don’t understand what is happening to me. I used to be so happy. Before I dated this boy, I… well.. I lied. I never truly was happy. I always told myself the only think that could ever make me happy was if I had a boyfriend that loved me for who I was, not for how I looked or what I’d do for him. June 28th 2007. I found that guy. He was my best friend and the greatest thing that has everything graced itself into my life. He was really sweet, extremely caring, and knew how to make me feel happy. That’s all I ever wanted. Love and happiness. Now, it feels like I have neither. The love is gone. I still love him, he says he still loves me… but I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel the way I did before. Nothing is the same. Nothing is how it should be. I miss him more than anything, minus one. I miss my grandmom more than anyone in the world. She’s dead. I want her back so bad. I wish I could have five more minutes just to talk to her. Just to say,
“I love you Mimi. You will be in my heart forever and you are greatly missed. You were the greatest person in the family. You were always happy, even though deep down, you were dying. No one told me you were dying, Mimi. I didn’t know. If I did, I’d do anything I could to see you every weekend… but I think that’s what God’s lesson was to me. He didn’t want me to know and I know exactly why. What I pretty much said was ‘Since you’re dying, I’m going to see you more.’ I should’ve seen you every weekend anyway. Whether you were dying or not, I should’ve seen you more. I love you. I don’t even need to ask God to treat you well. I know he is. God is great and he wouldn’t ever mistreat anyone. Not even the biggest sinner in existence. Why? God Loves Everyone. Mimi, from now on, I’m going to pray almost or every night for you to God. You deserve it. I’m going to read the Bible for you. I’m going to become for faithful for you. I promise. One day, when we meet again, you’ll be really proud of me.”
My life keeps going downhill. If I lose one more person that is close to me in my life, I think I might die. I don’t know what I did to possibly deserve all this. I want to be happy again. God, I think you’re teaching me another lesson. A very valuable one. I think you’re trying to teach me that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. That may be true, but I need the love. I need to be loved. I know that sounds greedy and horrible, but I just haven’t felt this feeling before. Now that someone loves me, I need it. I’m hooked. I need to be loved or I don’t think I’ll be able to survive. I don’t know how long I can make it like this. I do not plan on dating anyone else or “moving on” unless I feel the need to. Just because people tell me to move on, it doesn’t mean that I’M ready yet. It’s going to take me time to get used to this and it’s going to take time for me to be able to move on. God, just promise me one thing.
Give him back one day. Please. I’ll do anything.
 iKill_x · Sat Jun 21, 2008 @ 04:01am · 0 Comments |
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