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It's four years and I laugh at horrible spelling. I have improved but I still believe my grammar is atrocious. Maybe, someday, I will read this again and laugh at my mistakes. Honestly from reading this, I can see that I think the world of my friends, the entire world. I think that's why it bothers me and hurts me when I feel they don't want me around. I feel like the bad friend and I don't think I am a very good one.

I still love them and now I know when and why I started complimenting people. I don't think I'm nearly as bad as I once was. I think looking at these journal gives me insight into myself. It's actually interesting to read all this and look at yourself again, I think I would hug myself for my creativity but not my negativity. I'm still naive, too trusting and have high expectations, but it is nice to know that I do love my friends so dearly. I think that is one of the things I take pride in. I am able to love them, even though I can be annoying and sometime insulting. Huh...maybe I should cut to the chase one day. And just admit it, I'm not lesbian though as people think, I just really love people who are nice, especially to me. I think that's a natural thing.

And even though I sometimes feel isolated and alone, I understand that it isn't just me. It's difficult though, I think even if I had stayed with my friends I wouldn't have had the chance to meet Melanie or Chiaki, or anyone else like Brittany and even Cony. I still love these people, and that's a good thing. I wish I could find in my heart to like myself more, to not be so judgmental on my appearance. I never cared for it, but it doesn't matter. It's the heart of it that matters, and I think that what will help me write for this huge project is that there is a difference between a antagonist and a protagonist, they are both lonely people, but one has the love of their friends. It's this that makes them so strong or even move on, it's because of love, that's how you kill a villain. Killing someone does nothing, if you kill a murderer you are nothing but a murderer no matter the intentions. So the only way to kill a villain is to make them a protagonist or a friend.

I think that's what really matters to me. That's why I cry sometimes it hurts, to hurt others and hurt yourself. I think I've cried at the thoughts of losing friends through death or some other means, its not my death that upsets me as much as it would be theirs. I would never want to see them dead, they can't die in my mind. It's impossible to me, they can't die before I do and if they do I hope we'll meet again.

I have to start doing work for class and get dressed. It's Wednesday and I have another week or so before my prom. I don't want to wear a dress, I hate my arms and my genetics. I sometimes wish I were a boy, I'd be a homosexual but at least I wouldn't feel like a freak of nature. Oh well, JJ out.