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Its christmas eve and because im such a little boy im all excited. Xmas is my favourite day of the year for a very simple reason, its a day when everyone has a reasont o be happy, when people are much less likely to argue and fight or hurt each other. Its a day when people give to each other and people who havent seen each other a while get back together.
It brings with it unconditional happiness, its just wonderful.
Think about the world war 2 christmas, when our soldiers overheard the germans singing carols and eventually they joined in, no one was shooting at anybody, just singing. Then the officers from both sides found trust enough each other to meet up at the centre of the battlefeild and then both sides spent the day playing football. For that one christams day, even something as horrid as war was brushed aside and replaced by singing,fun and games.
I guess there are those who have their own reasons for not liking christmas and thats fair enough. For me though its so special, to see so much happiness, its never gets old, i love it so much.
Hey, i still have xmas cards to give out so im off to warehouse tonight to see if i can catch more people, anyone want to come?
If i dont see you there I'll take this opportunity to wish you all a very merry christmas, i love you all so so much.
 The_Scarlet_Valentine · Sat Dec 24, 2005 @ 02:48pm · 0 Comments |
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Starting to feel better...... |
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Alot of my freinds have really helped me out here..and it seems that I may be coming out of despair now, Im still hurt but its not as bad...most importantly i seem to be able to get on with my uni work now, got lots to catch up with.
Special thanks go to the person who went out of their way to talk to me and help me in these past weeks, you know who you are.
Im smiling again...now im remebering the good times me and Tori had rather than focusing on the tradgic end.
Thank you Tori heart heart
Forever yours wink
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Thu Dec 15, 2005 @ 02:38am · 0 Comments |
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Something I wrote to help get the pain of my chest... |
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Thought I'd try my hand at some writing to help me get things off my chest. Its not very good and it only really makes sense to me, but I'd still like to share it with you...
Drowning in a melted dream, gasping, clawing for a shred of fantasy
Chocking on a silent scream, lasting, falling to a dread of memory
An illusion of escape shatters sharper when we fall into it
In reversals of fortunes and feelings, I have ascended deeper than ever
I am sunk in misleading warmth
Where I have been bleeding for so long
Wishful hopes and heart filtered reality
Healing through the same way I was hurt
and When my mind is whole enough to wander again
How can I defend against sub-concious ignorance
How do I discern between the stars and sparkles
Forever cursed, to believe my curse a gift
To shift borders and boundaries through only the irrelevant levels
Thinking even now that the rise outweighed the fall and will again
Unlearned fool of the heart has only himself to blame.
Thank you for taking the time to read
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Thu Dec 08, 2005 @ 12:14am · 0 Comments |
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Picking up the peices..... |
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Ive been quite a mess these past few weeks, when my princess left me ( cant seem to stop calling her that ) it was a heavier blow that I had ever feared it would have been, but instead of letting all this destroy me Ive been really trying to get on with life of late, I even went out on saturday....seems to me if I can occup my mind things wont be so bad and I was right, I had quite a bit of fun.
I even managed to have a chat with her new boyfreind, he seems to be a really nice guy indeed, he was very mature and civil about it all and had no problems discussing it with me, everthings cool between us and I think that knowing that my princess is with someone like that is really helping me...you see one of the main upsets was she said I had hurt her and I hated knowing that where ever she was she was hurting but she should be just fine now with this guy...sure I may be jealous but that I cant help.
I guess the only thing that really bothers me now is how empty things are without her, I think just to have her as my freind again would be enough but that will take time...time for us both to put what happened behind us, Im willing to wait though, I need something to hold on for right now anyway.
I hope she can be happy, where ever she is...and I think Im going to be ok too, just need some more time and I should be just fine.
Thanks for reading
Mickie
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Mon Dec 05, 2005 @ 10:15am · 0 Comments |
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Well thats the end of it.......My dream is over..... |
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Shes got a new boyfriend...I think she planned on going after Josh the moment she left me, maybe even sooner.
She didnt think to let me know...she just left me waiting for her to come back...and she knew full well I would, and knew she was never coming back.
But as hurt as I am, I cant hate her, my heart wont let me...all I can do is love her. A love that wont ever leave.
For all we had....she moved on fast, well either I meant next to nothing to her or she wanted to forget quickly. Its going to be a nightmare without her, I cant see myself pulling out of this pain anytime soon, if at all.
I wish we could still be freinds....just that much of her would be nice, but its clear she was dead set at erasing me from her life the moment she tore us apart. It was so beautiful....the love we had was something so amasing....but it dissapeared, I blinked and it had gone.
I dont know what to do now...im at a loss as to wehter bothering anymore..with anything...why should I? Everything I was doing was in aid of our love...now that is no more, whats the point?
I feel so dead inside, Im so terrified of my future now....im not strong without her.
Its all over....theres nothing left.....I cant find anyway to hold on to any shred....the ring I was going to give her still lies on my bedside cabinet...I cant forget, not as easy as she seems to have.
Im Mickie...I had a dream....I made one mistake...and it was shattered....I never had a chance.
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Wed Nov 30, 2005 @ 10:56pm · 2 Comments |
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I see now..what an idiot i have been |
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It only took the initiative to talk to other people about it to see it, but finally now I do.
I dont think my princess misunderstood me at all, in fact its quite clear now why she has done what she did and all I ever did with my pleading and ranting was make it worse and worse.
Taking a look at what I said in a new point of view...through her eyes, I see that she must have felt as though I was dumping all the responsibilty of the relationship on her, I must have made her feel so terrible and awkward...I was too blind to see, too focused on my own feelings....I didnt think of how she would be affected.
How could I have been so selfish and irresponisble? Im such a moron.
If she never comes back...it will be my fault entirely...I screamed at fate before but it was my own stupidity that caused this.
Will she ever forgive me and come back...would I forgive me? To have another chance would be so wonderful, but I fear I wont get that chance, I hurt her bad and even if i didnt mean to that doesnt change what i did, but I will pray as hard as I can for the chance to make it up to her.
Time will tell....
Im sorry princess
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Wed Nov 30, 2005 @ 01:08am · 0 Comments |
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If she doesnt come back......I dont even want to think about it....every second were apart I can feel the pain getting worse. Soon i wont be able to hide it among other people....I wont be able to go anywhere, not to uni, not into town, not to my freinds houses.
NOWHERE!!! I'll just hide in my room all day until the pain kills me. The rest of my life will be a tormenting descent into madness and eventually death.
She was the first person who ever loved me for who i was...who could see me and still love me. There wont be anyone else in this world that could love me half as good as she did.
This is fates TWISTED way of taking her from me....for once i felt safe in the feelings of my heart...yes my mind wandered but i could still find solace in her love for me and the promises we made. I thought nothing could tear us apart...seems like fate proved me wrong.
WELL ******** YOU FATE!!! IF YOU TRULY HAVE ROBBED HER FROM MY LIFE THEN I WILL GO SOMEWHERE THAT YOU CANT HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!
Im just not strong enough for this world on my own...and she was the only one who would lend me strength...now without I am weak and cannot cope with anything at all. Even the smallest little problem reduces me to tears...anything goes wrong at all and I cant take it...it just knocks me back and reminds me that she hates me...and the ******** awful circumstance that caused it.
Theres nowhere I can turn to even slightly feel better...this burden will forever be my own until it crushes me.
Dear God if only she could hear me.....if only i could turn around a see her..and tell her everything. But I cant..she is further away now than she ever was....so I cant even begin to explain the truth of all this...how wickedly well fate has planned this.
It hurts so bad im convinced my health is detioriating....I feel ill all the time, my body feels weak and tired, my head aches and my stomach is acting up.
I pray she will come back.....its getting really hard to believe it but I cant let my hope die like everything else has...my hope is the only part of me still alive....if it falls then i might as well be dead.
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Tue Nov 29, 2005 @ 10:25pm · 0 Comments |
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MY DREAM IS DYING!!!!!!!! I CANT STOP IT...GOD HELP ME!!!! |
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THIS IS THE MOST TERRIBLE THING EVER!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!!
I DIDNT DO ANYTHING OR SAY ANYTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!
I CANT TAKE IT... IM LOSING MY PERFECT DREAM TO A ******** MISREAD MESSAGE...
I FEEL LIKE DYING!!! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT AT ALL TO LIVE FOR
MY PRINCESS HATES ME BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SHE THINKS I MEANT THAT I DIDNT......I SEND A MESSAGE OF LOVE AND KIND WORDS AND THE NEXT THING IM BEING TOLD IVE BROKEN PROMISES AND MADE HER CRY!!!!! I MADE MY PRINCESS CRY!!!!!! THIS ISNT FAIR!!!!!
SHE WONT LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TRY AND GET THE TRUTH TO HER....SHE'S SLIPPING FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY EVERY DAY!!!!
WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN.....I....DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO NOW OTHER THAN DESPAIR AND PRAY WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART FOR A MIRACLE!!!!
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Tue Nov 29, 2005 @ 02:35am · 0 Comments |
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Options, hope, strength, tears..all running thin |
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Nothing is ever as simple as do this and dont do that, never, everything just has to complicated.
Case in point: My princess wants a little space and time so i gather...to clear her head and thinks things through, thats a break is...isn't it?. That much is perfectly fine, although I know i did nothing wrong, obviously she's got the idea somewhere so its only expected and understandable.
But I have no idea what to do in these situations....Im so clueless, If I wait and wait for her to come back, never saying a word to her until then. Im afraid I'll give the impression I have lost interest, which i defitnely havent, never will I.
However If I nag her everyday asking her when she will come back, apologise like crazy and desperately try to get the truth to her...I fear in not respecting what she asked for I'll drive her further away.
So now I sit here....watch her come on and offline.....freeze in fear everytime, pray to god she'll say something to me, think about wether to say anything...but I cant anymore, i just freeze everytime.
But this cant be the end....it just cant be, its so horrible I just dont want to believe it. It was everything I wanted....I had it, with how we felt for each other it should have gone on forever....but we became victims of a terrible chance. This cant be how it ends......its too sad to even think....
Princess.....I pray every day for you to see the truth, for you to come back to me, even when it's near impossible...I'll still be praying and hoping and trying.
If only you read my journal princess......but you wont have anything to do with me anymore will you?....for how long will you hate me for something I didnt do.
The_Scarlet_Valentine · Tue Nov 29, 2005 @ 01:49am · 0 Comments |
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