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my uncle used to live with us. he tried to choke me to death twice, he wouldn't get a ******** job, he yelled at my brother all the time, and everyone hated him. i took his side off of MY laptop one because he helped mom order it on the net (didn't pay for it) but still said it should be half his. because i took it off he yelled at my friend and i almost had to kill him. he's pissed off at my mom right now because we won't take his dog while he goes to vegas where he used to live AGAIN! last time he went to vegas is because we kicked him out because he tried to hurt me and lived with other family members but ended up pissing them off. because of that my mom took out a loan and gave him a few thousand to go back to vegas, but he refused to get a job because it didn't "pay enough" and was a stubborn a** so he ended up living out of his car and coming back. then he tried to live with us again but we told him no. he lives with my great uncle and aunt. right because he's pissed about the dog thing he won't answer my mom's calls. when he was here he blocked everything on the computer. i'm not able to install a ******** game because my computer says that I don't HAVE DAMN PERMISSION TO DO SO! I SWEAR THAT IF I NEED PERMISSION TO DO ONE MORE THING THAT MAN DOESN'T WANT ME TO DO I'M GONNA KILL SOMETHING! NEXT TIME I SEE THE b*****d I RAMING HIS HEAD INTO CONCRETE AFTER I HIT HIM WITH ONE OF MY SWORDS AND LET HIS BLOOD FLOW THROUGH THE CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF MY PORCH BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO RING THE BELL BEFORE I KILLED THE SON OF A b***h!!!!!

"revenge is the sweetest aspect of forgivness." an old sicilian proverb

when i came into school to retake some tests during christmas vaca my teacher yelled at me because i said i had to go home earlier and made fun of my friends. she then refused to give me a ride home like she said she would because my mother was at work (like always) so i ended up walking home in the cold. in the end because i was so mad i decided finally to quite school. my health caused me to miss so much school last semester that i couldn't make it up and then i'd have to retake the grade. this happened before in middle school and so i'm a 17 year old that is supposed to be a senior but i'd have to be a sophomore again next year because i couldn't catch up this year. life's a drag. another reason i quite is because my seminar teacher called my mom and lied to her saying that my grades were the worst they've ever been when they're actually the best. so i got upset at her and the school councilers ended up sticking me in a storage room twice in one day when i'm diagnosed clastraphobic, but here i was cramped next to a washing machine, a large cabinet, and a sink crying alone as they left me there. i hated it.
what else happened in my week?
well my brother ended up getting on new medication so he was out of wack, attacked my and my friend who was over had to pull him off me while he was sitting on me and choking me on the couch. nothing out of the ordinary. sometimes i wish i could just leave but i've got too much to prepare for in the future. i'm hopeing to try out for American Idol on the 14th. who knows where the future will take me. later that day while i was crying in my friends arms because my arms where bleeding from my brothers nails scraping against my skin i was being prank phone called. it was one of my ex's. he's now dating this other girl i know but she hates me because i dated one of her ex's even though she told me not to. so now they both hate me except when she wants something thing acts all goody goody best friends to me. my ex kept calling and laughing at me then hanging up. finally he called again and before he could say anything i said "this isn't funny i just got the ******** beat out of me by my brother and i do not need to pranking me when i'm standing me bleeding!" he paused for a second then yelled " well you need to stop harrassing us you ******** b***h" and hung up. the band i had is ruined because the only people left is me and my bassist erik. my friend that pulled my brother off of me called erik up and told him about my ex and see if there was anything he could do about it. erik called him up and told him to stop and i didn't get anymore calls from him. i know i can count on erik when things get bad but he's gotta hate gettin sob stories from other people. it's kinda stupid me writing all my problems in my journal because no one will want to read it because it's nothing but me complaing. i just find it a way to vent everything out.

Well.....my numbers on my thyroid are off again so that means my rapid weight lose, sudden stomach pains from damage esophagus and the infamous mood swings have kicked it. my fairly new pants are lose on me again....it's been hard to breath lately too. The mood swings are getting to me bad though. i could be feeling perfectly fine and then randomly start crying. I won't even be sad while I'm crying but I can't stop. My anger's been rising too. The patience I usually have with others has once again diminished. I was paired up with two boys for a group project in math today. we spent the first 15 minutes of them arguing on what they get to do in the group. they refused to flip a coin, they refused to pick and number and finally i stood up and yelled "you're the pointer!" pointing to one and "you're and the measurer" pointing to the other finishing off with a "and if you have a problem with it you can kiss my white a** because i don't give a rats a** who's what i just want this done and over with!" kiki...little miss understanding....the girl that helps others solve their problems....oh god the world is ending. later on they did everything wrong and refused to correct themselves saying that they wouldn't want to move the acute triangle they taped on the obtuse box because kiki can do it. i don't want to retrace the graph in marker like i'm supposed to because kiki can. do you know what my job was? i was the speaker because they're p***y's too afraid to stand up in front of class. my job was to talk and that was it. i ended up yelling at them loud enough for the rest of the class to hear " you know what? you can put your stupid a** triangle there because i'm not your god-damned mother and you can do it yourself! you're potty trained! you learned to use silverware! now stop being a baby and do it your damn self! both of you!!!" ....teacher made me go to hall. she came out asked me why the hell i was going insane and i told her i have a chemical imbalance and she excused me from class and didn't call the office on my crude behavior. i'm going to die....

I feel so stupid. I was with the gang at a park in town then we all walked to my friend Ashley's house and i was listening to my mp3 thinking. walking towards her house i saw a man teaching a couple of little girls to ride four wheelers and it made me think of my dad and how much i miss him. I sat across from ashley's house listening to music and i was perfectly fine until her brother Michael came over. he asked me what was wrong and i said i was fine. then i asked him " Michael if you knew someone was going to die but you didn't do anything about it would that make you a murderer?" he said no, because i wouldn't of known. i just replied with " But i did know." and started to cry. i'm not even sure why but i couldn't stop so i started walking. I knew before he went in the hospital that he wasn't coming out and dad did too. he said "if you really want me not to go in for the surgery then i won't" but i thought that i was just worrying too much and told him it was ok. i could of stopped it. i could of prevented his death. he knew that he was dying too. Right before he went in he started going to church again. Also he started giving my brother and i a bunch of his stuff. The night before his operation we all went to steak n shake and in the closest booth in the non-smoking we had out meal listening to dad say "now if i don't come out we can always remember this restaurant." he knew it even though it was an accident but it doesn't matter. it's my fault he's dead just like Micha, and just like my friends brother Josh is in jail. I should stay away from people. Once you leave the land of luck they take away any strand of luck you could of had left in you.

i fell in love with a boy named chris. i've been thinking about him forever. i went out with my a*****e boyfriend jeremy because i thought "no guy wants a girl that isn't already wanted" so i thought maybe chris would want me after i broke up with jeremy. turns out he hates jeremy and is now disappointed with me for going out with him again. his grandma died friday night and i saw in cry for the first time. we're really good friends. yeseterday he called saying he has to go to kansas to go to her funeral. he talked about how he'd be staying with his dad and might end up living with him if he decides because he hates this town. i became depressed and it was the first time i ever really cried over a guy leaving. i didn't even know if he was going to yet. my friend skittles called him with cinny and asked what was wrong with me because i locked myself in my room crying. they gave the phone to me and it went like this
ki: yeah
chris: hey kiki i've made my decision. turns out my dad still hates me and doesn't want me to live with him so i'm staying here when i get back from the funeral.
kiki: well that's depressing
Chris: how's it depressing?
Kiki: you're dad hates you right? that's depressing
Chris: not depressing for you...i'm here
Kiki: that's great
Chris: well i have to go
Kiki: ok bye
Chris: bye.....i love y...
but then i hung up too quickly and i gasped when i hung up. i feel bad for hanging up now. i made a vow ( with a lil help of friends pushing me ) to tell him how i feel when he gets back tuesday or wedsnesday. i'm breaking up with jeremy monday for being an a*****e. chris promised me that he'd come straight to my house the moment he comes back. i'm so nervous.