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Alone Amongst the Vast Internet Abyss |
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Alone here at my desk sitting in my chair in front of my computer listening to my techno at the late hours of the night I think, I am alone because on my buddy lists there are only two or three people on but they are not at there computers I think how time has progressed and things have changed. I used to be able to go online and my buddy lists were full and only one or two people were offline. I could go onto the Internet surfing the web and I didn't need any safety filters to block porn or keep a pop-up from invading my computer and installing virii onto it. I remember when I was able to easily find chat rooms, not like today's were they are used to advertise someone's “web cam”, but to actually chat!
It has been so long since these times have been. It is now so hard to find such great chat rooms or to be able to do a simple search for a school research paper without the results containing inappropriate or pornographic materials. I do not know what to do. Maybe we are in need of a revolution, a change. New control maybe? New laws that are to be enforced? Something different?
Why must people be so ignorant and think that every male wishes to look at pornographic material to arouse his hormones at late hours? Why can't someone who is unable to sleep and finds sanctity in the Internet's great vastness to occupy the time that the person's sleep misses, find what he wants or is unable to do what he wants?
Corruption is seen every were and now especially on the Internet where it floods it like vulcher's upon a dead body in the desert. Our technology only progresses for the gamers who games are too choppy with our best technology and for those who only surf the web but computers run slowly do to worms, virii, spy ware and bugs.
Maybe if someone did something right, hacked the hackers, attacked the attackers, or sought and destroyed every porn server which is the cause for most problems which hackers get paid to create virii to spread the word of the porn site. Greed is the enemy of the Internet! Maybe if the Internet was controlled by those immune to the effect of “ Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely” maybe we wouldn't have any of our problems. Maybe if we had leaders amongst our nations who were immune to this we wouldn't have nations but a single nation were all the people would get along, and when someone wanted to do something they could.
Why can't things be this way? Why must things change? Why must it be so hard for me to do something that I was able to do so easily in the past?
-Attila
 Turkish Leprechaun · Wed Jan 26, 2005 @ 06:49am · 0 Comments |
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Lost in stupidity of Self Bliss |
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I am but a hopeless entity that roams through the woods that no one but I can see. In these I see many things including illusions that delude me from the truth and cause me to see what my eyes do not see but what I imagine and I follow these delusions for eternity until someone stops me. I at times do not realize my mistakes until it comes back and hurts me. These mistakes never heal and never go away only to remain to remind me, haunt me, and taunt me. If only I could reach the end of this forest to find help from these mindless dreams which cause me pain and suffering and blind me from the truth. The truth that I at times refuse to believe because of my own self awareness of of the truth that I don't like and never will. Why must the truth be so blunt and painful?
-Attila
Turkish Leprechaun · Wed Jan 26, 2005 @ 06:46am · 0 Comments |
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To most the question is as simple as should I stay or should I go? If I shall stay who will know me? Who will hang out with me? Who will care for me? Who shall recognize my existence? Or if I go who will miss me? Who will wish I stayed? With that simple question one can easily find the answer that quickly with the realization of ?I DON'T HAVE that MANY FRIENDS!? The person can easily leave.
To take a firearm and aim it at you own head is easy! Pulling the trigger is hard. It feels like the trigger is welded in place and your trying to break the weld. Overdose I'd say is the easiest. Just grab a glass of water and as many pills as you can. The bad part about overdose is sometimes the body itself induces vomiting and there's no way of stopping it! Hanging is also easy, but if your light it doesn't work you end up dangling for a long time and eventually lose consciousness but you don't die! Deadly gases can also kill one (Bleach & Ammonia) or it can really ******** YOU UP (You have a bit of a harder time doing sports after words)!!
You can also stay and blame all your problems on yourself, you stop caring and become an outcast, a goth, a punk, or something along those lines. You start wearing black, you die your hair black, paint your nails black and eventually you start cutting your self ? self-mutilation. You also start a bad habit ? smoking, drugs, drinking, either one, some, or all of them.
For those of us who are hated, disliked, and unwanted we change. We become anti-social, depressed, and we lose our self-esteem. You begin to hate yourself, wishing you can change every bad action, correct yourself, re-write your wrongs. But we can't so we say at the worst wrong ?I should leave?. I can't get punished anymore then. I can't hurt myself anymore. No one shall dislike me or begrudge me anymore for I shall no longer exist. I am but a small entity of a large mass that so few know of my living that my passing will leave this great existence undisturbed.
At times I wish I do not want to be here. I no longer desire to live. I fear messing up. I fear losing friends and making enemies. I punish myself for my own mistakes I wish I never committed but continue to make. I wish my imperfection would not cause me great pains to the point were living in eternal agony no longer suffices. I wish I were not alive and was never born.
-Attila
Turkish Leprechaun · Wed Jan 26, 2005 @ 06:40am · 0 Comments |
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