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Do you ever feel like life is just a blurr? That theres nothing you can see happening to yourself in the near future?
Thats how I feel right now. I am so bored of this same old routine that its driving me ******** nuts. I don't see anything happening in my life right now or in the future. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be alone and depressed for the rest of my life. And I am not talking about alone as in I'll "never be married" or anything, just, alone.
I miss my friends, I hardly have any friends here and I've been here for two years, almost going on three. Everytime I talk to my friends back home in Michigan, I miss them more and more.
I plan on hopefully finally going back home and seeing everyone for a week or so. Just something to do and see how things have changed since I've been gone. I miss it there. I grew up there. Of course I am going to miss it.
Hopefully when I get a good enough paycheck from work and don't have to pay so many damn bills out of it, I can hold some until I get enough to fly up there and have some spare cash.
I'm just tired of it all. I miss flat land. I hate the mountains.
Hell, I can't even try to kill myself without thinking that its going to hurt. Of course it's going to hurt, but I don't want to feel the pain even though there is so much pain in my life right now.
I've cut my wrists and I failed.
I've thrown myself into a car accident and I failed.
I've thought about hanging myself and I failed.
I've tried to drown myself and I failed.
I've even filled the bath tub up, sat in it and plugged in the blow dryer and held a razor in my hand against the back of my knees, telling God that if it wasn't my time to go, then make a noise..
I failed. The four wheeler outside roared to life and stopped me.
I just don't want this life anymore. I hate being stuck in the middle of no where, no one wants me. My family acts like they hate me/ignore me/I'm not there. Even my own father doesn't want me, but at least he had the guts to tell me this himself back when I was 13 years old.
People at work don't like me, no matter what I do. I can't get friends here. Hell, my own dog ignores me more than half the damn time when I sit here and give her the world on a golden platter.
My own uncle yelled at me, over the phone to shut up when I was telling my grandfather what I found out could be wrong with him. My own uncle that I've found out won't even trust me to be alone with my cousin/his daughter because he is afraid I will run away with her.
My mom and her husband ignores me when her husbands kids are around.. mostly when Mindy is around. I am treated like s**t on the bottom of their shoes.
Oh we made a big dinner.
But didn't think of inviting you over.
We went to Fall Creek Falls.
But didn't think of inviting you over.
We wen't to Center Hill Dam.
But didn't think of asking you to come.
Even my mom's husband hates everything I do.
-My driving
-How I eat
-How I dress
-How I act
-My dog
I might even think he doesn't even like it that I breathe sometimes.
I miss my grandmother. She was someone I could just get along with peachy. She would listen to me, help me out, just be there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. She was my best friend and my mother and I feel so lost without her words and presents to led me forward in life. I loved/love her so much, that I wish I was there where ever she is right now just so I can lean on her and gain support for myself and to just smell her mint smell that she always had about her that clamed me.
Why can't my life be simple and happy?
 Celey · Tue Nov 11, 2008 @ 08:12pm · 1 Comments |
