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Look in your eyes and see the hatred
Shinning with distain and judgement
See your scorn and your concern
You lie through your teeth
Showering me with selective praise
Look in your eyes and see the hatred
You smile and hide your true thoughts
Nothing I do is good for you
Grades, skills, love, nothing is good
Compare to you is that not good?
You ridicule and fight and judge all day
Driving me closer and closer to the brink of insanity
The walls are getting smaller
The air is getting thinner
The sheets wrap tighter around my neck
The hatred is shared
Growing every day within me
Look in my eyes and see the hatred.

Today, everything has gone wrong. From waking up in total pain, to almost missing my bus, to having a heated discussion in the club room, to angrily leaving my class, everything has gone horribly wrong today.

First things first! Today, I woke up with serious ear pain, making my eye, jaw and ear hurt, which only lead to headches and grumpiness. This inturn lead to the heated discussion in the anime club room at John Abbott.

This discussion was quite simple; WEIGHT! How many times to i have this discussion, do I have this topic thrown in my face. For the past 2 days, I have been dealing with issues relate to weight, things that are depressing and frankly, unavoidable.

I have been fat since I was a teenager and frankly, still am. For a girl of 5 foot, I am a 145 pounds, which is concidered over weight. Most of my friends, and boyfriend, say that I am not overweight and frankly, with my breast size of DDD it would not be possible for me to be a twig. But it still hurts to be this big. With the pressure of being thin by my doctor, the media, and my parents, seeing my stomach fat, seeing rolls if I wear waist high pants, feeling the stomach when i sit down, all brings tears to my eyes. Seeing all these thin women I wonder what it could be that brings them to be so thin. True, it is genetics, but what else contributes? Pills? Exercise? dieting? Secretly I yern for the answer.

Most people will tell you that when you are overweight the best thing to do is to diet and exercise, but being in a family that was raised on steak and potatoes, having no money((literally, as I am in a family of 6 with only 1 teaching salary, it is hard, and working to put myself through school with a job a Wendy's)) and being restricted to what I can do it is heartbreaking.

I see myself in the mirror and I want to cry. Again, many tell me that I am not fat and my boyfriend constantly tells me that he prefers girls like me, girls who have meat on them than the anorexic girls, but it is still hard to see myself the way I see myself. When I put on jeans, even low rise ones, I see love handle from where the jeans touch my hips. Sometimes even the underwear I wear will do that. I hate summer, despite the fact it is my favorite season, because I resent what I look like in a bathingsuit. Nor can I wear the sexy clothes that I want to, the sexy clothes to please my boyfriend, to make me feel better about myself because of my stomach fat.

Again, the resulting answer to this is to exercize, but honestly, it is hard. 1) I cannot afford a gym membership nor to eat healthy, with tofu and things like that, due to the reasons above. ((even though I rarely RARELY eat junk food)) 2) i cannot do much cardio because, even though some may say it is not a valid reason, of my breasts. My DDD breasts prevent me from running, jogging, jumping etc to my full potential because too much exercize with them bouncing hurts my back, shoulders and chest. Then, swimming is hard to do because it is seasonal and my upground pool does not have room for laps or cardio. Even if I do get into a public pool by the time I start working at losing the weight and I begin to see results, winter comes and I am unable to continue. 3) my parents. I have bought many cardio tapes in my life but with my influence of parents, it is hard for me to actually do them to the full potential because someone is always interupting. My brothers, though they join some times, always disrupt my sessions and if I get caught doing them from my parents, I get ridiculed, teased and embarrassed by them for they tease me about how I look or what I am doing. This quickly discourages me from continuing the tapes.

Weight is an issue that everyone deals with, at least girls, anyway, and it doesn't help my personal opinion of myself. True, my boyfriend loves me, true I may not be FAT, but I could stand to lose a few....a bit of weight, but it is so hard.

Trying to discuss this in the anime club did not help, for the girls that are skinny, have access to cardio things and are taller and fill out better were the ones telling me how to go about losing weight and they kept bringing up the above points, which, in turn, I put down. By the end of it, it was getting so heated that my boyfriend turned away from me. There was no yelling, or at least I find, but I am fearful that he would take it as my anger again and think that I am losing my control that I have just begun to establish. I was not angry the whole discussion, more like upset and on the verge of tears, which is how I get alot of the time with discussions about my weight. we left each other without really saying goodbye and he seemed distant. I fear that he is upset that I have lost control or something like that.

But ontop of the weight issue was the issue of my friend Blanka telling me to shush, calm down, and stop yelling when I wasn't! True, i was upset and things were getting heated but what PISSED ME OFF was the fact that she was treating me as if I was some child that needed a time out. She was shushing me, using her hands to be like. "CALM!" and then she was telling me to not raise my voice or to be so emotional. I am having a hard enough time trying to control my anger, which is what is allowing me to keep my boyfriend at the moment, and it doesn't help to be treated like a child. I personally feel that I have been doing really good except for situations like this. But these are not agner issues, more of personal self-distructive issues.

Then!! There was the issue of my class. Today we were discussing a book in a children's literature class which was for 14 and up, definitely not children's literature but rather young adult literature. During this discussion, or debate, things were getting out of hand and frankly, insulting things were said.

I was horribly disgusted by the way that the discussion on Feed went in the class today. I find that it would have gone so much better if we did not have a debate. Simply raising your hand and giving your opinion on it would have been a much better way to have us discuss about Feed, for I feel that the debate went way out of hand. Dismissing someone's comment so quickly that they felt insulted, questioning, and I quote "Well, if you aren't going to teach a book like this why bother becoming a teacher" and "oh my god. She is so upset she is leaving?!" was highly insulting and was in no way justified. I personally was insulted many times, or at least, I felt insulted and could barely handle the heated discussions that were going on.

True, I did assist in the insults by getting up from my seat, grabbing my things and leaving abruptly. (accidentally shutting the door hard, making it make a large slam) But the things that were said to me personally and to my future profession were making me really angry. And like my current work on my anger suggests is to leave the hostile environment before it gets way out of hand, whichI feel it was already reaching to. I did appologise over email to the teacher, because I felt bad for leaving in such a manner, especially on the last day of classes, but I felt that I had to leave. I felt attacked, I felt trapped and frankly, my chest and head were hurting from the experience.
As a teacher I find that I have the right to teach any book that I feel worthy of educating my students with and Feed would not be a book that I would want my child, my student, or my class to be reading without the concent or approval of a parent. Teachers teach, they educate, guide, assist. In no way to they have the authority to impose such material on a student. I know many adults who refuse to give this book to a child.

As discussed in class, children or childbook is only a label until they reach the age of puberty, no matter what age, and frankly, the book Feed addresses content that should only be read AFTER experiencing puberty. As a future teacher of elementary school I find this book is in no way appropriate, not simply for the use of foul language, but for the explicit details of intercourse and the idea of being controlled and played the way the children in Feed were. But even they were not children, they were young adults.

I feel personally that this book is in no way appropriate for children under the age of 14 and I feel that we should not have even read this book in a class for CHILDREN's literature. This is much more suited for the class of "Literature for young adults."

So today, even though only half way done, has been a very stressful and annoying day. Not to mention I still have great ear pain, hurting so much that I want to cry. This, on top of the bad events today, have simply made me want to go into a hole and never come out.

*Sigh* what a day..I can simply hope that it gets better. At least the ranting helped. Hopefully now though, my boyfriend will speak to me. *Crosses fingers* Here's hopin'

Rino
8:00-8:10 Homeroom
8:14-9:05 Mrs. Rondan, pre-calculus, room 215
9:09-10:00 Ms. Catima, english, room 138
10:04-10:20 recess
10:20-11:10 Mr. Riley, tech ed, room 124
11:14-12:05 Mr. Horan, Gym
12:09-1:00 Mr. Awshucks, Chemistry, room 212
1:04-1:40 lunch
1:44-2:34 Mr. George, music 1, room 105
2:37-3:30 Mrs. Willson, Social studies, room 205

Rain
8:00-8:10 Homeroom
8:14-9:05 Mrs. Hondar, calculus two 213
9:09-10:00 Ms. Catima, English, room 138
10:04-10:20 recess
10:20-11:10 Mrs. Alexander, theater, room 184
11:14-12:05 Mr. Horan, Gym
12:09-1:00 Mr. Awshucks, Chemistry, room 212
1:04-1:40 lunch
1:44-2:34 Mr. Fraud, basket weaving, room 248
2:37-3:30 Mr. Rockwell, Social Studies, room 203


Alike: 3
Next to: 2
Apart: 2


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Sky's schedule 1st year of three

Monday/ Wednesday/Friday
8-9 head to work
9-230 work at factory
230-3 lunch
3-5 work at factory
5-6 head to college
6-8 Legal System

Tuesday/ Thursday
8am-9pm First Responder
9pm-11pm Criminology & Judicial Process
11pm - 1pm Communication I
2 30 - 530 Police Organizations/ Functions & Ethics
530- 730 English

Alright, so last year in like September I had posted a journal entry where I was ranting about my sister. Anyway..she saw and got pissed at me and wrote comments in it. However, i only read them now.....she seemed so upset and everything and I feel slightly bad, but yet, I don't. I mean, yes, I love her but she has to see things from my point as well. I just am sorry that she saw that post.