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Well, Ive happened to make a couple of people mad at me again. How unfortunate of me. I dont even want or try to make them mad and it happens, this is like the sixth time this week I swear. On top of that I have a lot of homework I need to do for Drivers Ed. and math. I dread math, Im taking Physics H. and Intermediate Algebra H. so almost evey day I have math. It used to be my favorite subject but now I despise it.

On Wed. and Thur. I had a wrestling region tournament which didnt really go that well. I lost all three of my matches and got last (6th) place. I really thought I was going to do good this year, turns out Ive only won 1 match this entire year. *sigh* the efforts I go to for nothing, especially the parts where I get beat up in front of everyone and get as many bruises as I have poors.

You know what my wish is? I want to be wiped out of people existence and walk in darkness forever. Ive actually found that walking aimlessly around gives me self confort. However when I started to do it I somehow pissed all of my friends off and the ones that wernt pissed were extreamly worried because I was very distant from everyone. *sigh* I have good friends but sometimes its nice to just get away and be all alone. Just to search for something that will make me have a spark of life again. You know the only reason why Im really around today is because of a friend I once knew this is my story of him:

I was at the dump picking up trash so that the Utah Boys Ranch my mom sent me to (she thought I was doing drugs and sex and was going to get into a gang) could get some extra money. 8 dollars an hour they made off of us out there working. There was a couple of friends with me, Ray, Ben, Brian, Nick, Cheda, and a staff member I barely knew that just followed us in a little van to make sure we were working.
We worked for 4 hours that day and by the time we went back to the Boys Ranch to get a shower and have some food pushed down our throaghts Ben had been hit in the head by a fist sized rock which was happily thrown by Ray, a few of the other boys had given up on looking for some porn that might be lighing around, Brian had alergies to the weeds out there, and I was carrying half of my weight from sweating into the two shirts I was required to wear.
That was on a friday, when we all got home we reluctantly went back to our homes and took a shower, went to dinner and finally got some sleep 3 hours later. Then next morning was a saturday, oh the dreadful weekend crew was there and all. They roughly got us up as usual, made us do our chores, then line up at the front door for breakfast. One of the staff members said one thing to us which was very odd for her to do.
She said "No matter what happens today we need to keep on going and just bear it." Nobody knew what she was talking about but everyone was a little suspicious but didnt want to ask her of what was going on.
When we got down to the caffeteria Wayne Brock, then weekend staff boss, gathered everyone into a corner and said the same thing. But then added,
"Brian Pulsan committed suicide last night in his room. We dont know why or if it was even on perpose. When he came here he had an addiction to cutting off the blood to his brain with a belt to get a 'high'. Last night he was found dead from hooking his belt to a bunk bed, then putting it around his neck and cutting off all the blood to his brain."
I was astounded, I didnt know what to think or say I just needed to sit down. People talk of how someone would die and it would be in an instant as if someone had just snapped their fingures. But it seemed faster than that. I suddenly remembered being out at the dump and having Brian complain to me (becuase I was in put in charge of the boys) and the staff member about his alergies. I remeber how puffed his face looked and how relieved he seemed to be when we were heading back home. Wayne went on,
"He was sending a note earlier that morning to his parents telling them how he was doing. How he had made some friends and was doing better here at the Boys Ranch. At the end of the letter he had written 'P.S. Thanks mom for the new belt you have given me', we had given this letter to his father who, never even mentioned the letter to his wife."
I couldnt believe anything like this could ever happen, I needed to sit down but we were all herded into a corner. I felt very unnerving. Wayne had one last thing to say,
"Dont push "bob" (I dont remeber his name) to talk about it."
"bob" was the first person to find Brian dead. He even heard the gaging sounds of him dieing. By the time he finally got up the courage to get up, set off the alarm and go check on what Brian was doing he had passed away.

The terriful memories of Brian haunt me to this day. One of my friends just breifly mentioned suicide and I had all the feelings come back to me from nowhere. She asked me what was wrong and I couldnt tell her anything, It hurt to much to talk about.

Crimistin