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Wow, I had to just write this all out, so now I'm going to type it all up! If you don't notice it's about Jordan.

Jordan has been gone for some time and this time makes more of a difference because we have been dating. I care for him so much. I believe he is the first guy I can say I truly love. I've always felt this way towards him since sixth grade, but then I just thought it a crush and brushed it off as not even that. It wasn't until we were in the ninth grade that I knew I had a crush on him. He would move away soon and Jamey Zander developed a crush on him. She actually let others know, and even told him. They never stayed in contact, me and him wrote a bit, but began to lose contact too. The summer before I became a Senior, I was at Governor's School. I had my tracphone down there to keep in contact with my parents and realized I had his number. One night, I decided I would call Jordan because i had his number but had yet to use it. I didn't expect to reach anyone, but after the second ring, a voice picked up and said hello. I was so shocked! After I got of the phone, I was so happy and didn't realize it was because I liked him. I just thought it was because we hadn't talked in so long and he was always my best friend who never once left my side. After that, we kept in much better contact and it was decided he would go with me or amanda to our Senior prom, he ended up going with me, but more about that later. Jordan came up for Turkey Trot, my senior year and him, amanda and myself hung out together. One night, we stayed up the whole night. Me and Jordan played a prank on Amanda because she fell sleep, but I still said not a word to jordan about my feelings for him even though I knew that I liked him as more than a friend. He left again and we kept in touch more than ever. A week or so after he had left, he was talking to Amanda and realized that he had began to like me as more than a friend. Still, I said not a word to him and just played it off jokingly though Amanda knew i liked him. She told him so and he just wished he had known that before. By prom time, we both knew we liked each other, but I guess we were still shy to actually admit it face to face. We went to pron and I danced three slow songs with him, the most I'd ever done at one dance. It was so nice, I didn't want to songs to end. I could have stayed like that for a long time. He had so much warmth to him. WE left prom early because no one was having much fun and were bored. We got to the party, it tdidn't take long for me to down a bottle of Bicardi Silver Raz. I was just a bit tipsy, but I still drank more. Soon, people though I was quite out of being my nomral self, bt in reality I was more together than any of them that was drinking! I started to flirt openly with Jordan. Everyone let me be for the time being and I got to sit on his lap while I heard Cash continually saying how lucky Jordan was. I don't consider anyone lucky if I flirt with them because they like me and I like them too. I just think of it as a good thing. I started drinking water when I knew I was drunk enough. The water lessened how much I was runk in the long run, but I still had control of what I was doing. Everyone, including myself, got tired around one, maybe two o'clock, so we began to find places to crash. Some people had already crashed on the couches, so Jordan and I leaned against the wall next to one so we could still see the tv. I think I fell asleep once leaning against him and I know I fell asleep with my head in his lap while he ran his hand against my cheek and through my hair. I kind of mumbled then because this was when I really started debating if I should just kiss him. Earlier, sitting in his lap, I was wanting took, but we had several eyes on us and was much to shy to do so. I woke up a few times, sometimes he'd be looking at me or thers he'd be asleep or leaning on me. Barney came at some point and made me scoot over and sat between us for a while. He kept trying to give me my own blanket, but I think in the end, Jordan and I still shared one. Barney was just trying to get us apart because he though we didn't know what we were doing. We layed down again and just looked at each other. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I was just to shy to do so. I could tell he wated to kiss me as well and kept thinking to myself, "kissme already" well, the night ended and Jordan had to leave me. Neither of us fulfilling our thoughts. We talked soon after on the phone and I got the courage to ask him why he didn't kiss me. He said he thought I was too intoxicated and that I wasn't thinkiing straight. Well, POO! I made sure not to get that bad for one reason, another I was dropping hints the whole night! A third thing, he knew I did like him that way. Even though he didn't kiss me, it's sweet that he'd have so much respect for me. We still called each other and the next time I got drunk, which was at graduation, well after, his b-day was the next day. I stayed awake until midnight just so I could call him and wish him a Happy Birthday. He actually answered and I thought he may have been mad at me and got mad at myself for calling him. That party I was a bit grouchy I guess because I didn't get to be with the one I really wanted. After his graduationa nd the ed of the month, he came here to visit once again. I had planned a canoe trip with Hattie, Kensinger, him and me. All the plans began to fall apart. The truck we were going to take died. We didn't plan enough food, (there was enough food but there were humanous pigs). But anyway, the first tnight it had began to rain so we quickly pitched a place to stay. Jordan slept next to me, kensinger next to him, and Hattie next to her. That night we just cuddled in our own sleeping bags but close together. The next day was in my opinion the best. We got to our next camping spot and set up our tent. It was also a good place to swim. Another guy was walking the river and I hid in the tent. I was in my bathing suit for one, and I don't care to show off my body even though mnay say it looks great. Jordan soon came into the tent adn began talking to me. It was great. I had laindown to get more comfortable and he was next to me leaning on his arms for support. Whenever we didn't have much more to say just befor leaning over he said, "Letme try something new," and I received my first real kiss, (and I'm talking about one with tongue). When he leaned back to look at me, I just smiled and sait abut damn time. Here merely smiled and leaned back in for another kiss and what did I do?! I kissed him back, DUH! I was not oging to laugh in his face for attempting to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him back and if I were to do that he might've felt badly rejected. I love the boy! HELL would have to permanently freeze over before I let that happen!! This is the day I'll say we officially started dating, May 29th, 2005. It wasn't until later the next day that he said someting to make it official. Any time when no one could see us, we'd kiss. We knew how litle time we'd have together, especially alone. I remember after he got back, he told me how in less than two weeks he could go to boot. He wasn't supposed to go untill December but a spot opened up. I wished him luck and when he left it was three weeks before I'd hear from him again. I wrote him back quickly , but his reply still took a while. He told me he'd come for his whole break, but then found out he couldn't come at all. In the end, he managed to come up to visit for less than a week afterall. We never had but a minute of alone time. We still kissed and had a quiet makeout session while Amanda was driving around on errands. I still didn't want to kiss in front of others. He respected tht. When it was time for him to go again, I DID kiss him in front of just Amanda, and I didn't want to leave with a peck, so I made sure it was otherwise. It was hard not to let tears fall that time but I didn't. I've always been able to keep strong without showing my emotions if Id idn't want them seen. He went back to Camp Pendleton in California for more training This training was for infantry. Amanda told me a few times how he regretted joining because of me. He cares for me and was afraid for me if something were to happen to him. I told him to go for what he wanted. I'm a strong girl and I want him to do what he wants. Not what I want. And to this point he's done so. Unlike any other guy, he doesn't always put me first. I thank him SO mluch for that. He doesn't know what it means to me. I'm still afraid of him leaving me and or hurting me, but Kensinger elieves he never will. I think she's right, but the fear is not ocmpletely subdued. He could get hurt or just tire of me. I hope neither happen. Jordan, never leave me. I love you so much. I don't want to be in pain because of it.