WANNA KNOW ME BETTER? READ
(well maybe not know me better, but know more about me )
Memories, you know. I discussed memories with someone the other day. And I told him that he should never let go of good memories even though they hurt. Today I realised how much bullshit that was. I still dont think that he should let go of them, but... I was thinking of some memories of my own. And even though they are good, I wish they could dissapear. I do understand him now when he told me how much it lifted him and at the same time brought him down.
Memories can be sudden, they can hit you anywhere, anytime. And all you can do is remember. You cant close your eyes, you cant run and you cant hide from your memories. I have alot of bad memories, and I do have alot of good memories, just as any human beeing.
A memory is just like a wind, it can suddenley hit, pretty much anywhere, anytime when you least expect it. But its a horrible wind, a wind that hits you like ice. A wind that seems to carry small needles that pierce your skin and make you tremble and fall to your knees. You cant run from that wind, no matter how quick you are, it reaches you eventually.
Why I talk about memories is becuase I have something that I wish I could remember. Its strange, how the memories we have seem to just excist (and yes I know, some memories we keep really close to our heart and shall never forget), and the ones we dont have is something we seem to look for. I wish I could remember the day my dad walked out the door. Many people dont understand the whole story about me and my dad, I usaly talk about him as if I dont care for him. But its more complicated then that.
Yes I do wish to remember that night, and that morning. My mom told me that it happened at night so I guess I wont ever be able to remember that. Apperantly he had woken my mother up in the middle of the night, looked her in the eyes and said: "I dont love you anymore", and then he left. But why cant I remember that morning? Didnt I notice that my father was gone? Why dont remember thoese days of his absence? Didnt I care?
Hmm maybe I was used to him beeing away alot... maybe I was to young. No... I wasent to young. Cause I remember alot of stuff from my childhood from even before that. Hmm why am I pained by this? Becuase I can remember the good things about my father, I loved my father more then anything on this planet...
Back then.... I.... loved him.
I remember the saturday mornings when he used to be laying on the couch, and I walked over to him and jumped up on him to sleep. I remember listening to his heart while he held me... and how I fell asleep once again right there in his arms, and how he always seemed to do the same. Me and father just enjoying beeing close to eachother.
I remember how he sometimes whispered to me that we were going out that night and how excited I was. It meant that we took a basket with something to eat and drink, and took a bikecycle ride out to a park, where we used to sit, around midnight. Talking... enjoying eachothers company.
All that... I remember that from my father and much more. But as of late... I have come to hate thoese memories. Thoese memories are my chilled winds that pierce me and hurt me. Why? Cause I try and I have tried hard, to put away my feelings for my dad. Im not gonna say what he did or have done, but the last few years, he have lied to me, hidden things from me and... just not been there when I needed him.
I guess I shouldnt ask for much... but a regular phone call would have been... enough. I dont ask for more then that. I have decided to hate my father, and it usaly works fine, just thinking about what he have done to me and how he neglects me. It works... most of the time. But the winds... the memories... they still appear now and then and make that wall crash down.
Thanks for reading... thanks for letting me share....
And one last thing;
I am in love. And I hope that the two of us can create some great memories, memories that will only warm summer winds that gently makes our skin crawl with delight. Its so much that I want to share with you, do with you, to be with you. I wanna be everything I can and beyond. I want that future with you hun... I couldnt emagine anyone else.
You're the only one for me sweetheart. Thank you for everything you are!
Love you heart
