I've been hearing that a lot recently. Perhaps it's just my diabolical sense of timing. I'm pretty sure it's not just me, everyone must find themselves in those kinds of situations where everything is perfect except for the timing. You probably all know the scenario.... you've sussed out what it is that you need, and you know exactly how and where to get that thing, and it's totally the wrong time for everyone else.
So what do you do? Do you wait until the timing's right, or do you stamp your feet and kick up a temper and grab what you want with both hands and cling on for dear life? Or do you do the sensible, grown up thing where you bite your tongue, put your life on hold and wait until the time is right for everyone else and hope to God that it all works out how you want it to?
And then there's what if....
Potentially even more head-scrambling than if things were different. Without fail, every single time I land myself in these situations I find myself starting every thought with "what if...?" And no matter how many what if questions I ask myself it never seems to make finding the solution any easier. In fact, the only thing it does is make life even more confusing that it was when I started!
Which leads me to if only...
It dawned on me that each and every answer to my what if's began with if only, which is all that can be expected really. The more I thought about it the clearer it became, how on earth can anyone come up with a realistic answer to a probable question?
I lay awake until 4 am today, trying and trying to think of a way round the predicament I'm in, going round and round in my own head, trying to second guess the outcome of each potential solution. All I succeeded in doing was making myself even more confused than I had been. The more I thought about if the more I hated it.
It made me so angry that I have to live my life round other people's if's, so frustrating that I could solve most of my problems if things were different, and disheartened that the only answers I could find were if only
I felt like my life was not my own. So many if's and none of them mine to control. And then I remembered a poem that my Grandad used to love:
Rudyard Kipling
<center>IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!</center>
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!</center>
I wish I'd remebered this poem before I tried to second guess my life.
I've read it over and over and the more I read it the more I realise that it is absolutely true.
It made me realise that even though I'll have to wait until the timing's right for everyone involved, and that even though it's frustrating as hell having to put my needs on hold to save other peoples feelings, in the end my patience will pay off. I'll be a better person because of it.
As long as I'm in control of my own if's then I'll have the strength, courage and knowedge to face whatever the world throws at me, and as for other people's if's, well, if only they'd read this poem!
Thanks Grandad!
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