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I haven't been on here in a long while, to tell the truth that was cause life was good without me needing to be here to vent. Well s**t sucks again so I'm back. Today at work I had alot of time to think with the rush and well I realized that I don't wanna be at what seems to me my "home" the spite I feel for most of the people there and the honest hostility of whats going on...... and then it hit me I've felt this all before and it made me wanna just stop and break...... I had been so long without those feelings welling up in me it hurt so much to think that I had once more come to the point where if threatened with being kicked out or shipped off that I would welcome it. I don't know where I once more reached this point or why it even happened..... I would really like to believe that but I know those answers and honestly don't know who or what to believe in anymore.... it seems that I've gone back to those dark times where few of you that are gonna be reading this knew me. I admit I am scared of this uncertain time cause I know things will end up the same and now that I have the power to change them I will but what scares me is the change might not be for the better it may be a very rash decision and well that may not be the best thing.... right now all I can say is I'm very tired of events past present and probably future in this household and may try to stay out of it as much as possible for the sheer fact I seem to be the mule around here..... I don't think I should have to go back to having tears hide and there be a lump in my throat cause of my living conditions..... may the gods and my ancestors help me I am comming to my wits end again and can do nothing..... I ask of those few of you who actually care enough to read this from where ever you are please be patient with me if I seem off or out of it for you are new to these events, and to those of you who were there the first time this happened all that time ago I need your help again. Thank you in advance all of you who help me through this dark time....