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Maybe... and this is just maybe... I should stop making an a** of myself. But what do I do? It's all done in hope that I'll get a chance at change... though lack of results should be a reason to stop.
I want to kill myself. I want to kill the being that I am. I want to die as the person I am. I want to be a person I, myself, can like. Why do I need others to like me in order to like myself? Why do I need to be found attractive? It's all meaningless and superficial. Why do I need friends?
I'm still lost you know. I still have the flaws I had before. And though I would like to say I've grown. I didn't. I learned that there something inside of me causing me to act a certain way. I see myself behaving in such ways but I am unable to stop myself. To stop myself is suicide. The choice for me is dysfunction or death. As I've studied people, those of my kind would say you wouldn't understand, but you might. You are not immune to emotions. Vicious cycles, one feeding the other. The amount of issues in me are multiplied by one another. Everything seems impossible for me. To you it may seem silly. It suffocates me. I have become something I swore never to be simply because I know no other way. I am insane. The lifelong isolation has done its job. I am ******** nuts. I see my the trajectory of my life and I do not like it one bit. Nothing in here is ever new. You are not missing anything. That is the truth.
Pushing happiness away.... is this what I'm doing? In thinking I am helping others I am destroying myself?
 niatsu · Tue May 25, 2010 @ 07:33am · 0 Comments |
