Sennyo,
I went running for the first time, about half an hour ago, due to the stress, etc. I've never had to do that before. Is what has changed is ...Nucc?
Yesterday/this morning at 12:55AM Nucc sent me a message in response to mine that was saying that I was glad that I wasn't alone in feeling that way about ruby and Wolf's lion/rabbit/wolf threads. What made me have an anxiety attack the most, though, was the following in his response:
Quote:
Drec ec syo pa xieda dra ihcipcdyhdeydat lmyes, pid E pameaja oui'na suna nydeuhym dryh Nipo, Syineca, yht druca uv y cesemyn sehtcad. So paehk uha fru cibbnaccac draen asudeuhc eh vyjun uv mukel yht nydeuhym druikrd, E pameaja drec ec fro E's ehdanacdat eh oui. Un du bid ed suna cesbmo, fro E mega oui. Drec ec fro E vaam E lyh cbayg du oui bmyehmo; fedruid cikynluydehk un paydehk ynuiht dra picr. Ed'c navnacrehk, naymmo.
(Druikr ev E's secdygah, po ymm sayhc cad sa cdnyekrd!)
E ryja y mud nihhehk drnuikr so rayt nekrd huf, suna dryh E lyh ytaxiydamo bid ehdu funtc. Rufajan, frah fa saad, E ryja cusa aqbmyehehk du tu luhlanhehk so bycd paryjeun. Yd dryd desa, tuh'd pa cinbneca ev E nyspma ihdem so juela ec ruynca. :3
(Druikr ev E's secdygah, po ymm sayhc cad sa cdnyekrd!)
E ryja y mud nihhehk drnuikr so rayt nekrd huf, suna dryh E lyh ytaxiydamo bid ehdu funtc. Rufajan, frah fa saad, E ryja cusa aqbmyehehk du tu luhlanhehk so bycd paryjeun. Yd dryd desa, tuh'd pa cinbneca ev E nyspma ihdem so juela ec ruynca. :3
Oh, Yevon, it hurt me so much to read that. I really am one of those pathetic girls that baww-ers on vier-chen are always raging and moping about. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate myself for doing this to Nucc. Goddamn me and my goddamn impulses. I scarred myself a few times on my right forearm. Bright red, they are.
I still haven't typed out a reply to Nucc yet, and, frankly, I don't know what I'll say.
I've been thinking about it all day, if I was reading to far into it.
I... I think he meant what I've been worrying about though. Why? Why? Someone like me... I don't deserve that, and I'm not even sure if I want it. I'm a horrible person. A horrible person like me doesn't deserve someone like Nucc.
I also don't understand how he thinks that I, like him "suppresses their emotions in favor of logic and rational thought". I would love to be that kind of person.
I... I really hope that I'm not still confusing my realities. For a while, I tried to be you, live you, replace you as/with myself. To be a logical, rational, and even smart girl. Quite the opposite I am. ...Oh, dear god, I hope that I haven't been playing as you all this time! I can't! I can't have been!
I've come to realize how much I depend on vier-chen now. They are my pyschologist, my shoulder to cry on, the people that cry on my shoulder, those that I can laugh with, and have fun. Family. F4.
May 1st... it's all too soon. ******** ******** ******** ******** ********. I hate this/myself. Why can't I just handle relationships like other people? ******** it all.
[End Log] 9:13PM
