September 24, 2009 Thursday 10:42 PM
Sennyo,
I can feel it now, again. That dreaded feeling resulting from that medication. I realized a day, maybe the other day ago that it is misery and pain that I enjoy feeling. Or, maybe just the first kick of it. At first it's bearable, thinking back on it now, but then the droning kicks in. That horrible feeling of your heart being covered up with something heavy. The beating of the heart.
It's happening again as well. The seclusion. My coat of quills has been returning to me more steadily now. I... even RM, the author of that fanfiction... even him I am pushing away. He who gave me such short-lived inspiration and content and shortness of breath. I e-mailed him last week, on Saturday, why it was that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on reading his newest chapter (he hadn't posted it yet at that point, although he already has now), namely because of Kevin. But, that's a lie now. Now, I the Hedgehog's Dilemma is getting the better of me, for the better or for the worse, and I stray from committments such as those I've made to him. He... he sent me an e-mail today, saying that, alike to his reply to the e-mail I had sent him a few almost a week before, that I was welcome 'to email to spill your grief, just let me know'. He's such a kind boy. Ha, hardly a boy. He's at least five years older than I am. Why is it that he speaks to a girl such as myself? I didn't reply to him, regardless of the thoughts that swept through my mind. My eyes slightly watered at his words.
先輩 ... because he does not get close to me, I don't mind dreaming of a world with him in it. He's not able to harm me because of the lack of information that I know about him. I can imagine that he works as a computer programmer, or a grocer, or a baker, or anything because of that lack of information. So, thank you, 先輩, for trusting me with even just the scrap of your life that you probably knew I would find from what you gave me.
Sennyo... I'm just so tired of dreaming. I want to live a/the dream. I want to be a dream, just like how you are. That was to no offense. I want to breathe in the air and sense the world around me. The night sky, of cool breezes and fresh grass, silky to the touch, and the human touch warmer than the heart. The blue sky; soft clouds lazying about in the blue world above. The trees and vegetation of beautiful greens and soft colors. Warm breezes and sunlit fields.
I've found that I can't actually imagine Him here in this world. I can't imagine the hardness of his bones. I've imagined his touch so many times now, but thinking back on it now, it's always been more like human warmth held within a soft and permeable vessel. The warmth; I can feel. The pressure and warmth of the embrace; I can feel. But not His actual body. _____, you're fading from my heart.
I want to live in a world where we can exist without fear.
_ ____ ___.
[End Log] 11:11 PM
Poison Fairy Sennyo Community Member 
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