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i cheated on my bf again

for the second time..

-.-;

i guess..honestly..

i got used to being the second girl or the worthless gf

the one who didnt really matter but was there to keep them happy when they needed it.

and i stupidly confused those situations with ours.

somewhat.

but really.

i ******** up.

i thoughtlessly went and cyber ******** this guy [same one] again

brandon already hated him

well

hell
i guess it's who i made myself so i wouldnt get hurt. like

a back up plan.

i used people to make me feel better when the guy i was with would cheat on me..or hurt me.
or physically abuse me.

ive been with brandon for two years and a few months.

holy s**t..that is amazing to me.

and once..when i was really angry and i thought we were done.

and i felt hurt.
i panicked
and did something with this stupid guy.
who took it like i cared about him.
and was a big a** mistake all around..because one
brandon and i worked it out..
two
i could have just talked about it instead of residing to my old self.

this time though.

i didnt think anything.

i just saw someone was online
and made a choice to type s**t out.
i panicked again
two years.

i didnt know what to do with myself.
it's not what i used to

so i got scared.

i guess..

and now

i dont want to be with Brandon.

and im sure he thinks its because of leaving him for some douche or w/e the ******** he thinks

it's pretty clear after reading that.

im not

i just dont want to be with you.
i dont want to get confused
and scared
and feel hurt and panic like that

i do not
want to do anything wrong
i dont ******** want to feel doubtful of you or myself.
which i will now because i cant trust you right now either.
after what i did.

i dont want to panic and ask if you want to break up, everytime i get scared.

im so sick of getting scared in this stupid relationship!
im too ******** scared of losing you
but im too scared to be with you
and im ******** terrified of hurting you and yet i do..
i just am..
confused

i dont know what to do brandon.


i just dont.