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The "talk" we had did me some good.
You did help me. I don't cry as much anymore and I don't feel like crying suddenly as much now.
I guess what I needed was you.
It's so ironic.
The person I need most is the one who causes me to hurt like this.
"You can put a smile on my face just as fast as you can take it away."
The first time you left me, I shut off. I just lay there thinking what I had done. You came back. I wanted you to come back. If you had gone, yes I would've cried but you'd be gone so i'd have to get it out and over with. But then you saw my tears and kept asking me what was wrong. You told me I can tell you anything. But I can't. I still can't trust anyone with these thoughts. Here I feel better though. I can't trust you like I want to. I won't feel you'll LISTEN.
I pushed you away till, you went away.
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You kept asking for forgiveness and I forgave you. I will always forgive you.
But I could never believe what you said to me.
I thought you were faking, crocodile tears. To make it seem like you care.
Yes, I am cynical. I believe in the worst to not get my hopes up, to not get hurt.
So I choose to not believe what I hear. Everything is a lie and no one cares.
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I want so much to believe but that means trusting and i'm too afraid of that. I'm gullible and will believe anything. Even if it's a straight out lie. If it comes from you. You will never know exactly how high I hold you. I don't believe you'd understand. Plus, it's not necessary you know. These are one sided feelings. So, it's best only I know.
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I feel horrible for making you deal with me.
You don't deserve to be stuck with me. That's why I told you to leave.
I guess what I wanted to say was i'm sorry but after that i was ashamed and didn't want you to see me like that.
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You said I got up that hill fast.
Of course I did.
How could I not run? The person whom I care about so much was leaving me. I was scared.
Part of me wanted to let you go, you wouldn't have to deal with a crazed girl with mood swings. The other wanted to be near you. So I ran and hoped you were not too far away. I will be honest. I felt terror. And as I neared you, you kept walking. I tell myself logially you didn't hear me. But while I was running I felt that every step you took was your way of saying 'I'm through with this." I was afraid I had finally pushed you away and that was the end. And believe me when I say it's all my fault if you had decided to leave me.
You tried to ask me. But I kept pushing you away. Even being violent. You had all the right to just leave me there. You'd done your part.
I thank you for changing your mind and remaining with me.
I'm still terrified and i'm sure i'll spend the rest of the day crying over this like a wimp. I just can't get the image of you walking away to leave my mind.
Maybe it's because it's so fresh, but everytime I thought of that I immediatly broke down. This was after you left. I cried because on my horror and because of the guilt I felt for having to make you do that.
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And how you said "Ill leave you so I won't ruin your perfect day."
That, I must say hurt me the most. Broke my heart. And yes, I know i'm weak for admiting that. But now as I think about it I realize even more how you don't realize how much I do care about you. For you to have the nerve to say those words...
How can it be perfect? If you're not there? It's impossible.
You are one of the most important persons in my life. And unlike that lie you told Lidia about how if you were stuck with one person in the world, that it'd be me, if I was asked that question, i'd know my answer immediatly. I'm sure you just said it because she wanted to hear it. That's what everyone does. I know who you really want to be with.
Yet, youare the person i'd want to be with. Take it any way you want it.
But i'd choose you.
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I hate how you can cause me such pain and joy.
Because I think things over too much and it just leaves me confused. You caused that month-long mood swing of mine.
And with hugs and words of forgiveness, I stopped. I cried my heart out, while in your protective embrace. And soon we were fine enough. I still cry but not as much. Well not over that anyway.
Now, i'm sure my mind has switched over to todays events.
I'm going to try to be careful.
I know i'm the cause of all these problems.
Don't you dare tell me you blame yourself. Cause I won't believe it. Cause we both know I cause all this. I threw a hissy fit and sent you away. You came back and tried to help me. I fought back and sent you away again. And in the process terrorized myself which did nothing to help me.
You left and I ran after you.
And when you turned around and extended your arms, you will never know the relief and happiness I felt.
It felt as if all my pain had gone and you were the only thing there. Only then did I burst out crying.
And I know it sounds silly, how I can put all my faith, trust, love, hope on one boy, but it's just how I feel.
You're my best boy-friend, and I hope we'll always be close. Cause it's not everyday you find someone with whom you can share your whole day and still not get enough, someone with whom you can talk with and never bore of, someone who you can connect with and love.
In truth, it's hard to describe how I feel about you. So i try to do my best with these mushy little words. But believe me when I say I speak the truth about this. And that's all I want. For you to believe me when I say I love you, or you're my BF3. You don't share the same feelings I do, but as long as I have you, i'm content with just being around you.
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So don't you ever leave me and say have a perfect day. Because it just won't be possible.
Kisu & Eskimo
 Nirrina · Sat Apr 25, 2009 @ 06:38am · 0 Comments |
