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I can't take this anymore.
I can't deal with this anymore.
The very sight of him sickens me and brings tears to my eyes, but he's what I need and want.
I miss my friend.
I've cried over this so much that I hit a point I couldn't cry anymore.
Just empty sobs.
And I feel weak that I can't control my emotions anymore. Almost every minute of the day, i'm close to having a breakdown. I could just be sitting and my mind will wander for a second. Enough to make me cry.
And I don't cry.
I tear up and wait for them to dry.
But i'm on my third week of feeling dead, used, tired, lonely, abandoned, sick, heartbroken.
I'm getting desperate.
I want to feel the way I did before.
Happy when I saw him. We could joke around. After-school play with each other and try to beat each other up. Talk into the night until one of us fell asleep.
"What's wrong?"
I can't tell you eactly what because i'm never sure myself.
But I do know it's to do with you.
I miss you.
I miss just being able to be around you and talk to you. Without caring what other people thought. Cause we were the same. You and me, i felt a connection with you, my best friend.
I loved, cherished, respected, cared, worried about you.
You were the most important person in the world to me.
My hero, couldn't do anything wrong. Treated me as an equal, we could fight and you wouldn't hold back as much.
...
But now I sit alone and wait to see if you'll come visit me after you're done with everyone else.
And I accepted it as long as you were my friend. You can do no wrong.
But my stress went up. Always a paranoid girl.
You changed on me.
Seemed you only called me up for your needs.
What if i wanted to talk?...Granted I can never get a word out. I'm much to weak and ashamed to tell you if anything is wrong with me. I trust you, but I wouldn't want to burden you with anything.
At first it was fine with me because we were still close.
Like the entwined fingers.
Remember?
We could joke about it, and it would be fine, it wasn't everything.
Now it seems like it is.
I thought you were showing me a new place.
And you were, but I guess two weeks is a long wait.
...
I have so much to say.
And I hoped that by typing here I could hope to clear my mind. But my head hurts even more. And I think the empty feeling in my chest is more apparent now.
I'm going to try to save our friendship.
Because we can't just lose this over my craziness.
I'll take the blame if I have to. I just don't want to lose you.
I don't know if you actually realize what or how much you mean to me. I've tried to demonstrate but I stopped when i realized you weren't going to get it. All I wanted was for you to know.
You're not a man of many words, I assume things since you refuse to clarify, and it's never good. I'm never mad. I just get sad.
...
I'm going to bed. Maybe finally this morning will be the one that makes it all better.
I love you.
 Nirrina · Tue Apr 21, 2009 @ 07:15am · 0 Comments |
