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it's strange i feel better well not better just that i am making progress. she actually helped me a little. got me to take things better. but her hate towards my kind.....rots me inside. i feel less and less like i am trapped within my own head. and i am making significant progress on improving my life. im going to college soon. then off to wyoming and then seattle. hopefully i can make my band in all of this. my friend ryan is very close to suicide though...i'm trying my bets to help but its showing little improvement. and jaz still....makes me feel idk. i feel as if i still love her. and i do. but... idk if she loves me. she makes it a point to express her love for seth immensely. then tells me how she loves me... yet we are never together. i continue to blame myself. but i continue along most days with my barely hanging on apathetic routine. i believe she loves me but.... it still hurts...
and oddly enough i might still have feelings for eve. or its another desperate retarded fake love concocted by my mind to "help" me. but even if it was true... she ..
just doesn't seem to have absolutely any feelings for me in that sense. and idk know how she feels for me as a friend. it seems like if she finished helping me with my life that..she would just say cya later and never come back. and again her hate towards my kind.... the male. is sometimes angering and unbearable. i can understand her anger...but hate? it makes me feel lumped in. or is it a hate from her love of her friend? and what men did to her.and do to her. but why continue to sort of lump me in, even if not knowingly? and as for my life i do not feel apt to talk of it. it would feel as if i am doing as i used to. thinking of myself but. then again it is my log. my life just seems empty. yet i continue trying and working on it. it seems pointless but then..where would doing nothing get me? and again i say that my main dream of having a family of my own. seems further and further away. it seems much, much more impossible now. as i know the only two people that would be fair enough choices for the other piece of this dream are nearly or impossible to be with. and looking at this dream this way....its is extremely difficult to keep my idc attitude. to just continue drifting. it wares at you. i feel just... more pointless and empty and just nothing then before yet i keep moving. i can thank Eve just to be even trying to keep going. she helped me get on my feet. but i have made some extra plans. living in Vermont for a short time. and moving to Seattle after Powell. I don't know if Eve wants me to go to the same college anymore. i believe it is all pity powered on her part. and the old me wouldn't except pity but i don't care much now.
My log entre shall now be terminated.

BNHAMLHACKEr :LOG-OFF:

:TERMINATE: file106457344567891aorgd9

:SHUTDOWN:

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