There are a lot of things I want to say but I can’t bring myself to say them. That and I never know where to start or how to say those things without making things worse. At the same time I feel that if I don’t say them, no one will and things between us will stay the same. I hate that I’m the only one who says something about our situation. You say you admire the fact that I say something but usually when someone admires an aspect of a person they try to be like them and try and make that aspect they admire a part of their own personality but the only reason I ever say something first is because I’m sick of hoping and waiting that you’ll say something first. But you never do and things go back to the way they were and then repeat and haven’t you ever wondered why I always post the things I say in my journal. I’m a coward. I don’t say them directly to you because I’m afraid of what might happen if I’ve said something wrong and so I don’t want you to see them so I post them there so that you can find them if you look and for whatever reason it makes me feel more at ease that way.
The truth is for the past I guess 10 or so months now I’ve been thinking about why we barely talk anymore and how it’s my fault on my end. During the summer I was thinking about it one night and I think I found the reason. I kept procrastinating writing everything I’ve written previous to this sentence and everything that will be said after it for months now because I was afraid of the outcome. But I can’t be afraid any longer because I’m tired of this silence and I’m angry at myself for not being able to talk to you as openly as I used to be able to. I honestly wish we could both go back and start over with a clean slate and may be we can do that but i really doubt we can. But if it was at all possible that we were somehow able to first off in order for me to do so I need to get everything that’s been plaguing my mind for at least a year now on the table so you know everything I’ve been thinking about.
So I need to go back to where I think my reasons for my silence toward you began. I guess it started the day I found out you had lied to your family about how we met and how you lied about my family. Consciously I guess I was able to look past it because I partially understood why or at least when I think back, I think I can understand. The reactions most online relationships get are never really good and as much I understood from that perspective I still didn’t understand. So what your family wouldn’t approve. I was afraid of the same things when I told my parents but in the end I told 100% of the truth regardless of how I figured they’d react but they didn’t react the way I thought they would. Yes they don’t approve but that’s to be expected right? Trust is earned. I think that day was the first I was ever really hurt by you and I know you apologized to me but I guess for my unconscious your apology wasn’t enough because I didn’t understand why you lied and I know I never asked and maybe I should have but I was afraid of the answer you might have given if I had asked.
The truth is I think the trust I have in regard to you is wearing thin because of that incident and because of all the promises you’ve made and continue to make that you just can’t or don’t keep and I can’t keep going with your promises and being hopeful that what you’ve promised will happen only to end up disappointed over and over when they don’t. It’s not fair to me and because I’m sure it hurts you too, it’s not fair to you. So I guess one of the first things we need to do to fix at least part of this is to not make promises for things we can’t keep. And I know some of the promises were not able to be kept because of obstacles in our way but it still hurt because it felt like you’d made no effort in fighting through those obstacles because at times there was nothing I could or at least nothing I knew of that I could do to help. And maybe you did everything you could to break through those obstacles and you just never said anything about it to me because it’s never felt like you’ve made that effort.
Which brings me back to the question “Why do I have to be the one to say something first” I’m sure you can see all the problems we’ve had but it feels like you make no effort to try and fix things and maybe if you asked me directly about things I wouldn’t feel like I had to hide them. Maybe if you said something first instead of leaving it to me to say something first I’d feel more comfortable talking to you because at least then I’d know you see these things to and that it’s not just me.
And all these things make me feel like I can’t trust you as much as I used to. I feel like you stopped supporting things I do after I had to stop going to university like when I started my guild Londelirinen I felt like you didn’t support that decision I’d made right from the start of it when I finally mentioned it to you. You didn’t even ask about it after words and that really hurt. I’d finally had something concrete and thought through that would work and I finally had a bad guy that I’d created something I thought I’d never be able to do and I felt like I didn’t have the support from the one person I wanted it from the most.
It took my inviting you to join the guild for you to mention it and I’m guessing you read what it was about then because you said “nice story” and nothing more. You’ve shown up to “participate” if you can even call it that, in the guild once which you know hurt me a lot. Do you have any idea how happy I was when you came? And then you never came back you never even joined the roleplay itself and I was really hoping you would. It’s been four months since then and I see that you’re online a lot of the time since you’re still on my friend’s list and I have the tool bar and every time the number of people increases I look to see who’s online and when those numbers decrease I look to see who’s signed off. I sometimes go to your profile.. just to see if anything’s changed.. And one time I noticed there weren’t that many people on your friends list and I noticed I wasn’t on the list anymore. Which, even though gaia is just a website.. hurt a lot, especially since I remember it was you who initiated the request to be on each other’s friends list It didn’t make sense to me.. And yet I again I never asked. Mostly because I’m not the type of person to ask about things. Which is why I guess I really don’t know a whole lot about you because I don’t ask because I’m the type of person who likes to let things come out naturally in conversation but I guess it really is hard to do that if one can’t even have a normal conversation with someone anymore
I’ve always been that way.. I’ve always been the listener never the one doing the talking or asking. I just sat there and listened to everything people wanted to say only saying something when my opinion was asked for or I was asked a direct question. In other words “only speak when spoken to” and I’m sorry that I’m that way I must make it hard to talk to me because I’m that way....but I don’t know how to change myself to not be that because I don’t want to be nosy and pry and poke at people’s lives and things about them so instead I allow them the opportunity to tell me what they want me to know or what they want to say to me on their own. Which is probably the exact reason behind what put me in this position in the first place.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and because it feels like you don’t make any effort to fix this rift between us I’m guessing you don’t know what to do either. And maybe my writing this will help. Maybe it’ll make things worse. I wish I knew. Because when I look back at the responses you’ve given me in the past it makes me feel maybe you’re only saying exactly what I want to hear to just to smooth things over for even just a moment and maybe string me along a little longer and make me keep holding on to something that hasn’t existed for months even though you keep make promises and getting my hopes up and then disappointing me over and over again.
All I know is even though my trust for you is slipping away I still love you more than anything and I can’t see my life without you in it somewhere somehow down the road whenever that may be and maybe this is just a sign that maybe we weren’t meant to be after all but because I still love you it hurts so much to think that. So even though I’ve said all this I really hope you can understand things from my perspective... even though it hasn’t quite been written out the way I’d hoped especially since there were a lot of things i wanted to say but can't seem to remember them even though i know those things are there somewhere in my mind but... I’ve written all of this thousands of times over and over in my head and this time I had to write it all out as the words came to mind just so it would leave my mind and finally be said so that i could stop being as depressed as i have been over all this so i can be happy even for awhile with my 21st birthday just under a month away.
And once again because I’m a coward I’ve posted it in my journals so that maybe if you’re looking you’ll see it.. And if you don’t nothing will change for a while.. Or at all.. And I’ll keep on hoping you’ll say something.
I hope you can forgive me for losing my trust for you and maybe someday it’ll be whole again.
~Christina.
 Kahara Michiyo · Fri Oct 17, 2008 @ 04:56am · 0 Comments |
