Author: RandomnessSakura
Rating:
it’s painful to read, but mostly just because it’s dumb. And compared to “Butterfly Kisses,” it’s downright tame.Full Name (including any titles): Sora, Riku, and Kairi
Full Species(es): Canon characters, by an author who doesn’t seem to have played the game
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): As canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: As canon
Special Possessions (if any): A magical “Universal Remote” that can transport them into any televison show, or stop time! Does this sound familiar?
Origin: Riku’s living room?
Connections To Canon Characters: Are supposed to be them, but really, you could replace the names with anything you wanted and the story would be the same.
Special Abilities: Bad singing?
Other Annoying Traits: Roxas speaking ghetto, Riku acting suspiciously like a cross between Axel and Jack the Ripper, and Xemnas demonstrating what Simon would be like if he were stupid
I Say/Notes: I guess this isn’t a complete horror. But the fact is, dimension-hopping isn’t funny business in Kingdom Hearts—Sora does that for a living. And even when you don’t factor that in, it’s just not very funny to begin with.
New character introduction: Roxas wink
And so we begin..
Sakura: Here’s a new story by me!
Sora: No. Really? I thought it was by Jackson Pollock.
Riku: Do you even know who that is?
Sora: ....... Do you?
Sora: When are you going to update my story!
Sakura: I’m still typing it! Don’t worry, I’ll update it soon…but school’s coming up in a week…-.-;;; also this was in my head for a while after I read Hurky’s story, “All that Randomness” so I kinda made a story similar to hers. Enjoy this chapter! And No Flames!
Axel: Aw, man!
Disclaimer: Sakura doesn’t own KH, the cast or Disney! She only owns herself.
Larxene: Wouldn’t it be hilarious if it turned out somebody else owned her?
Sora: So, what? There’s a “1984” world now?
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Sora and Riku were sitting in Riku’s living room watching TV.
“Man, there’s nothing good to watch!” Sora said while changing the channels.
Kairi: Sora just wouldn’t be Sora... if he did... nothing.
Sora: Verb! It’s what you do!
“Might as well make a video. Or light something on fire.” Riku said.
Axel: Hey, that’s my line!
Riku: I’d be more like... “Might as well go build a raft or something!”
Sora: “Or go coconut farming!”
“Like your moogle plushy, Mr. Pom Pom.” Sora joked.
“Yeah, like my- Take that back! Don’t say anything bad about him!” he yelled at Sora.
Sora: ...... *devious grin* “Mr. Pom Pom”?
Riku: *holding his head in one hand* Not now, Sora, I have a characterization-ache.
“Light your pants on fire.”
“WTF! Hell no!”
Larxene: *as Riku* Only Sora lights my pants on fire!
Riku: *Dark Firaga!*
Larxene: Ah! ! *tries to put out her pants*
“I’ll give you 1000 munny if you light them on fire.” Sora said.
“Fine! Give me a lighter!” Riku said as Sora gave a lighter. They went outside and Riku lit his pants on fire. “Wait…. OMFG, I JUST LIGHT MY PANTS ON FIRE!” Riku screamed as he ran to the water at the beach.
Sora: That’s kind of funny, actually. *snicker*
Riku: ... No, not really. The author’s got me acting like some kind of retard.
Sora: Well, that too, but I meant you saying “OMFG” in normal conversation.
Axel: Hey, yeah. Say it once so we can hear what it sounds like.
Riku: What? No!
Axel: I’ll give you a dollar.
Riku: *rolls his eyes* Oh-em-eff-gee. Got it memorized?
Axel: THAT IS NOT YOUR LINE!!
Sora was just laughing his head off at Riku, who was now drenched in salt water. “I’ll kill you!” Riku yelled at Sora, who was running for his life. Riku continued chasing Sora until they bumped into Kairi.
Sora: WHAM!
“Hey guys, I got This Universal Remote.” Kairi said, holding a remote.
Axel: Automatic F for unnecessary capitalization and period misuse!
Kairi: I think the capitalization is supposed to imply it’s a one-of-a-kind magical artifact.
“A Universal Remote?” They both asked. Riku was about to strangle Sora while Sora was about stab Riku with his Keyblade.
Riku: How come Sora gets his Keyblade and I don’t get mine?
Sora: Maybe you’re strangling me with your Keyblade.
Larxene: That’s a little difficult. Should’ve picked up some garroting wire in Traverse Town while the place still existed!
“Yeah, when I brought it, I also saw Xemnas buying this too.” Kairi said.
Sora: See, Kairi? It’s not one-of-a-kind at all.
Kairi: Why am I not worried about Xemnas still being alive?
“Xemnas watches TV? I didn’t know that…”Riku said, letting go of Sora.
Axel: Well, duh... what do you think he does while the rest of us are out doing his dirty work?
“Doesn’t everyone? Lets go watch TV!” Kairi said. They went Sora’s house and turned on the TV and begin watching American Idol.
Kairi: Not everyone watches TV. I don’t watch TV.
Riku: Neither do I.
Sora: I don’t even know how to work the darn thing.
“So boring!” Riku said as he pressed a button on the remote. Suddenly he, Kairi, and Sora warped into the TV, appearing on American Idol
“OMG! Sora, are we in..?” Kairi asked Sora.
“Yep, we’re in the TV.” Sora said, shockly.
Sora: “Shockly”? That’s not even a word.
Riku: I thought it’d been established that I’m not an aspiring rock star.
“Now, it’s time for Destiny Idol!” said a guy as an audience cheered. “I’m Axel, and here are our three finalists!” he said pointing to them.
Larxene: Axel Seacrest!
Axel: *headdesk*
Riku: Come on, it’s not the worst role you’ve been stuck in.
Axel: It’s about THIS close.
“Sora, Riku, and Kairi! And with me are the Judges, Xemnas, Roxas, and Namine, Now lets hear the finalists!”
Sora: Cool! We’re in the finals and we didn’t even have to go through the prelims!
Riku: Which is good, because Simon would have kicked your a** in the first round.
Sora: Riku, that’s simply not true! I sing better than Ariel, for crying out loud.
Larxene: Maybe you should’ve saved Prince Eric, then...
Kairi got on stage and sang this love song similar to Simple and Clean from Kingdom Hearts. On the Screen, it said, “To vote for Kairi, text to this number.” And had a number next to the text message. She sounded really good.
Kairi: See, here’s a situation where it might have been halfway appropriate to put in some lyrics.
Riku: Yeah, but what song are you singing?
Kairi: *shrug*
“What do you think, Judges?” Axel asked as Kairi finished her song.
“I think she did wonderful!” said Namine.
Sora: That shouldn’t count! It’s like voting for yourself!
“She got game!” Roxas said.
Roxas: *dryly* Word to your mother. What is up my homie gee.
Sora: What the – you can’t be here!
Roxas: Of course I can. You’re here, aren’t you?
Sora: ....... Guess I can’t argue with that...
“I heard better singing from Sakura, and she’s a bad singer!” Xemnas said as Kairi threw a shoe to his head. “Ow!”
Axel: Nobody ever said the Superior was any good at clever insults.
Larxene: .... or anything else.
The audience laughed.
Sakura, who was watching the show, destroyed her TV. “NOT FUNNY XEMNAS!” she yelled at the broken TV.
Roxas: Talk about your misplaced anger.
Riku: Seriously. Why not just stop watching, boot up the Playstation, and kill him?
Sora: Well, too late now...
“Now, Riku’s next!” Axel said as all the s in the audience cheered, and screamed and held up saying “WE 3 RIKU! XOXO”. (If that appears weirdly, it was suppose to be a heart)
Axel: We can beat that, can’t we guys?
Sora: Yeah! WE 5 RIKU!
Riku: Thanks, guys. I’ll have the Weekly User’s Choice medal in no time!
Riku came on stage and sang this gangster song. Then the number to vote for him appeared on screen. He sounded kinda bad. Nobody cared because they all thought he was cute. Finally his song was over.
Axel: Well, yeah, the last winner was prematurely grey, too, wasn’t he?
Riku: Please. It’s “silver.”
Axel: You can call it “silver” until you’re “blue in the face.” It’s grey.
“Well, what do you think judges?” Axel asked.
“Uh, I would say good….” Name said softly.
Kairi: Whoopsie! They forgot to fill in her name in the Mad Lib.
Sora: So that’s how they cast this story...
“Not Great, but not bad.” Roxas said, crossing his arms.
“I’ll just say…YOU SUCK!” Xemnas said.
Larxene: You know, if that were the real Simon, he would have been fired six or seven times by now...
Riku was about run over there and beat Xemnas to a y pulp but Axel stopped him. “CALM DOWN! YOU’RE ON TV, DUMBASS! SECURITY!” Axel said.
Axel: *shakes head* I am security.
Roxas: It’s true. His definition of “stopping someone” is “removing their legs.”
Sora: So what about when he wanted to stop you from leaving?
Roxas: .... Let’s just say I’m glad there was a roll of duct tape nearby.
“LET ME GO! I WANT TO BEAT HIM INTO A PULP!” Riku screamed. Security came and shot Riku……….with a tranquilizer gun, making him pass out.
Larxene: Wow... psycho much?
Kairi: Usually they weed out the homicidal maniacs in the first round or two...
Riku: Yeah, but we got seeded, remember?
“Glad that was over…now our next and last finalist, Sora!” Axel said as Security took Riku to backstage.
Sora came on stage and also sang this gangster song, but better than Riku’s. Then the number to vote for him appeared. He was almost good as Kairi, but was also a little bad. Finally, he finished the song.
Sora: What gangster songs were we singing?
Riku: Were they rap, hip-hop, or R&B?
Sora: Do we even know any songs like that?
Riku: Do they even count as songs?
“Well, what do you think?” Axel spoke to the judges.
“ Almost as good as Kairi’s, that’s all I say.” Namine said, smiling.
Axel: At least she’s being true to herself.
“I agree with Namine.” Roxas said, giving a thumps up.
Riku: Hey, Roxas, if Naminé can’t vote for Kairi, you can’t vote for Sora, either.
Sora: And what’s a “thumps up”?
Roxas: I could show you, but the shock wave would probably destroy everything within a five-block radius.
Sora: ........ I’ll wait.
“Let’s say… you suck, but not as bad as Riku.” Xemnas said. Sora got mad, but not as mad as Riku.
Larxene: Well, yeah. You apparently suck marginally less, so of course you’ll be marginally less of a sore loser.
“Ok! Now its time to vote off the person who sucks. And the person who sucks is…..We’ll be right back!” Axel said. The show went off air for 5 minutes and came back on again.
Riku: What, they’re not going to put us in the commercials?
Kairi: So I was helping Sora destroy the Heartless when suddenly he tells me he had Riku for breakfast!
Sora: It’s like the power of darkness and awesome swirling in my mouth!
Kairi: Riku Puffs Cereal! Available only at the Grocones Store That Never Was.
Riku: I told you to stop doing that.
Axel: Shopping foul!
“Ok, We’re back, now the person who sucks is…..We’ll be right back!” Axel said as everyone was about attack him. “…Annnd we’re back! The person who sucks, is Kairi, sorry Kairi.”
Kairi: ... That makes no sense. Sora was “almost as good as” me, and Riku “sounded kinda bad,” and I still lost?
Roxas: Naminé changed her vote at the last minute.
Kairi shrugged, and sang her last song. Riku finally woke and backstage and found the Universal Remote there, lying next to him. “Hey There it is!” he said. He picked up the remote, ally pressed a button on it, and it warped, him, Sora, and Kairi out of there.
Sora: .... Oh, I get it! The Universal Remote transports you to different universes! *laughs*
Kairi: Why not just use a Gummi Ship?
Sora: I don’t know.
“Whoa, that was weird…. And Sora, I got something to say….” Riku said.
“What?” Sora replied.
“GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF MY FACE!” Riku screamed. When they were warped out, Kairi landed on the couch while Riku and Sora landed on each other.
Kairi: *sings* On the seventh day of Christmas, my fandom gave to me, seven suspect moments...
Sora & Riku: *scoot away from each other*
Sora got off of him as Kairi picked up the remote.
“Do you think it does anything else?” Kairi said.
“Hm….Lets see.” Sora said as Kairi pressed the pause button on the remote. Everything stopped in time. Riku was about to punch Sora for sitting on his face while Sora was going to yawn.
Larxene: Cool! It’s like that one Adam Sandler film!
Axel: Yeah, but you don’t see him being the next American Idol.
Roxas: You don’t see anybody here doing that, either...
“Uh, I know!” Kairi said. She moved Sora away from Riku and made Riku wear a pink dress that belonged to Sora’s older sister before she moved.
Sora: Whoa, time out! I have an older sister?!
Riku: Well, a lot of fangirls seem to think you do.
Roxas: Aw, man, now I think of all the stuff I could have done when time kept stopping in Twilight Town...
Axel: I guess I should be thankful you didn’t think of it then.
Then she pressed the play button and time started moving. Riku fell down, after trying to punch Sora while Sora laughed at Riku for wearing a pink dress but then found out that was his older sister’s dress. “Hey! Riku, get out of Saki’s dress, she’s coming this evening to pick it! So Kairi did it do anything else?” Sora said.
Riku: Uh-oh.
Sora: What?
Riku: The author’s name is Sakura, and your “sister’s” name is Saki...
Sora: *puts two and two together* Oh, great! *facepalm*
Larxene: Whatever happened to, “Hey, Riku, get out of Saki’s dress! You look like a f**!”
“This Remote….is magic…..” Kairi said slowly.
Axel: Geez, slowly is right. You didn’t figure that out when it put you in the American Idol finals?
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Sakura: That’s all I have today…
Roxas: Wow. I don’t even have emotions and I’m overjoyed.
Riku: Why is that?
Sora: Her school is starting next Tuesday….so we will be here….raiding your fridge…throwing wild parties…
Axel: ... burning your house down ...
Riku: ... feeding your homework to Pluto ...
Larxene: ... inviting Xemnas over to contest his characterization ...
Sora: ... making Riku do karaoke ...
Riku: *thwap*
Sakura: What did you say?
Sora: Nothing! Please review!
Roxas: Oh, wait, wait, I’ve got one! *dramatically* Looks like her summer vacation... is over.
Axel: Har de har har.
Sora: So what have we learned from this excruciating excursion?
Riku: That’s easy. Children, stop rotting your brains with TV, and rot them with video games instead.
Kairi: That way, you might get our characterization right!
