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The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that maybe you really are a bad man.
Maybe you really are going to hurt me like everyone says. But maybe I am smart enough to catch this before-hand?
It's been very few times before that I have questioned everything in my life so much.
From the smallest actions of mine such as going to sleep at a certain time to the bigger things such as my attitude towards drug use and schooling.
Even I can admit now, that I may have a problem...Okay so maybe that doesn't count, but I'm stubborn.
I've been falling onto alcohol a lot for my problems lately, and I really don't like the way I am becoming.
I feel like a hypocrite because I am usually the first one to say that I dislike drunks and alcohol and such, and then I go and turn to it in order to escape.
Of course I could try and justify it by saying that at least I'm not doing drugs anymore, but honestly, even I can see that is a pathetic cop out.
On top of all these things, (and I've just scratched the surface) I am trying hard to make a relationship work.
A lot of people in my life are telling me that I shouldn't be with the person I am, and that alone is making things very very hard.
I don't know if I am so stupid that I am indeed letting the wrong person into my heart, or if I should hold my ground on the matter and risk getting hurt again...
But doesn't the saying go "better to have loved and lost then never loved at all"?
Then there is the huge issue of letting go of a love I once had.
I still have it but it would seem that I missed my chance and I guess I just need to back off and let things be.
I guess its just really hard to look at that person and know someone else is making them smile, someone else is keeping them warm at night.
Then that brings up guilt because my heart should be set on the person I am with at the moment.
There is a struggle inside me, honestly it is hard. Between what I want and what I need. The shallow and the deep.
It's a battle of my contradictions. And I think it's coming to a head.
Most likely, the same as every other time, I am probably going to fall into depression.
It kind of makes me angry to know that I can pretty much perfectly predict the path that my mind will take down this stupid road I seem so bent on traveling.
Im ready for a breakdown now...
But I honestly don't think that is going to solve anything.
Maybe I should just face my issues head on for once, stop dodging the subject and just deal with all this s**t.
Cause that's really all this is.


Anyhow, I am written out, and Im sure there is more...
But I will leave that for later.