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Have any of you ever felt like what you did was pointless? That no matter what happened, no matter how hard you tried, it would just lead to nothing? Well, that’s the way my life has gone for the past few years. It started out fine, but then I had to ostracize myself from society in order to escape. Now, after all of these years, I want to get back, and im finding it impossible. I just cant find anywhere that I fit in, anyone I can feel comfortable with. well, that is, until a few months ago. I met her, and I didn’t think anything of it. she was nice, and smart, and seemed to have a sense of humor I liked. but it wasn’t until we actually started talking to each other that I thought that I might have found a way to fit in. yes, I fell in love with her. it was small at first, but the flame grew, and now, its hard to think of anything but her. oh, yes, I can, but thats only by force of sheer will power, and even thats starting to crumble. she knows how I feel. well, to some extent she does. and she knows how much I really need this. the problem is, I don’t think she feels this way about me. oh, yeah, she likes me. and I know that she is reluctant to enter another relationship, just in case it ends badly; especially if it is me, who has now become one of her closest friends. but, I cant help feeling that....well, she doesnt feel that strongly about me. maybe she does, and I just cant see it. maybe she also feels this strongly. but I highly doubt it. she told me that she wants her next relationship to be slow, because her last ones failed because of her rushing. rushing what? I don’t really know. all I know is that whenever she hugs me, and rests her head on my shoulder, I never want to let go again. yes, I know what your going to say. I am lovesick, theres no denying it. she may already suspect it, because I do anything she asks me to. if she asked me to jump off a bridge, or even less dramatic, walk with her to class, I would. a girl only comes around maybe once or twice in a lifetime, and they almost never actually return the feelings just as strongly. maybe im just cursed to be outside of society until I die. maybe I never will be able to spend endless hours with her, talking, laughing, watching movies, staring at stars.......but, if that is to be, then I don’t want to know. I don’t know what I will do when it never happens. who knows? I may go insane, and wind up doing whatever is possible to get away from the endless pain it will bring. but, if I never get a chance, how will I know its not possible?
Please, leave a comment. tell me, am I just deranged? Do I need something better to do? Or do I just need to take a breath, and calm down, and stop panicking, because no one knows what the future holds? You decide.....
 jayhkayjr · Tue May 13, 2008 @ 09:17pm · 2 Comments |
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