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To whom it may concern,

If you're reading this note, I did not survive the surgery. Don't blame Gene; he tried his best, and my death was most likely not his fault. Please consider this note my last will and testament. If Timmy has survived, I hereby bequeath to him my collection of BrainSmart brand Beginning Biology Flash Cards, from which I learned all that I know of science and the natural world. I hope that they will serve him well.

Though it may shock you to read this, I hereby bequeath all of my other worldly possessions-- and my eternal soul-- to my secret love, ... crying