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...Why can't I just stop getting so attached?

I've been seeing someone. Just as friends right now, but for some inexplicable reason my mind's already latched onto him. I can't figure it out...he frustrates me with how low his self esteem is, I can never read him at all, and I have the opportunity for better looking guys...but I can't get him out of my head. I've broken off dates and changed my schedule just because he says he wants to see me for a while. I felt genuine sadness, not pity, pain and sadness, when he told me of his two friends dying. Even now, while he's off enjoying himself without me, I can't stop thinking of his touch.

Last night was the first time I've cut in a long time, because of him. He told me something that stuck like a knife in my chest--that he was in love with someone already. Someone he met online, someone he's never met, touched, held, or kissed...someone who lives thousands of miles away, with states and oceans between them. I'm being outdone by the mere thought of a girl.
I didn't want to cry.
There are marks on my hands, to the point of bleeding, where my nails dug in. I hate crying in front of people, especially those that I care about. And right then I thought, this is karma. This is what I put someone through once, when I had an online boyfriend.
And so, when he finally fell asleep, I snuck out...and as repentance I cut my arm.

I hate cutting...I hate the fact that I do it. The last time I did was in my Junior year and was followed by a suicide attempt. That and the cutting was...well, cured, for lack of a better term...by pills and therapy (That was triggered by another incident I won't bring up here). So when I started again last night, I was terrified. It felt good, unbelievably good and horridly bad all at the same time.

I will never stalk him. I've had stalkers before, I know that it's the last thing I'd want to do at this point, and it won't help things anyway. So, I won't.
But I swore one thing last night.
Next time he touches me like that, it won't be because he's lonely.

Just watch.I'll make you fall in love with me.









Meow: I'm not crying.