So it's been a while since I've typed in this thing. I've kind of forgotten about this for about... 3 months? I have no one else to talk to this about and probably no one else understands how difficult this is except for maybe my cousin, Jade. She's probably the most understand person in the world to me because she's gone through exactly what I'm going through. Even friends can't understand what I'm going through. But now, Jade isn't around anymore. She's off this Saturday to Australia for maybe.. 6-8 years? Oh God, I'm going to miss her the most. Without her, I wouldn't know what to do when I have school problems or boy troubles.
The person I miss most though, is my friend, Regina Nicole Roman. She passed away a couple months ago and every night I think about her. I wonder how this could have happened. Why did this have to happen to her?! WHY?! The most innocent person, the lively person, the most excited person I know in the world just dies in a freak accident. After her death, I've always wondered what would happen if I were to die suddenly without seeing my loved ones before I pass. How does it feel to die? I've been so paranoid about this over the few weeks that I've been having terrible nightmares about dying. I've been having dreams about my parents, friends, and family members dying. I had this dream about how my parents didn't wake up to go to work and I remember actually walking to their room and shaking my mom to wake up. At first, I didn't realize I was actually doing it because I believed I was still dreaming, but I was sleep-walking. After that night, I've been having strange sensations of feeling death. The scariest part, I really, truly, use all my effort and strength to act as happy as I can at school. At one of my officer meetings. the president asked if I could ask my parents for money to buy materials for my event. I told them I didn't think I could get the money because of family financial problems. The rest of the officers shot me a frustrated look, and even one of them said, "Priscilla, you always have family problems. How do we know if you actually have family problems and not just making it up?" I tried my best to hold back my tears until it felt like my eyes burned and melted to the back of my head. My throat went dry and it became hard for me to swallow. They were right, I have too many problems. My eyes filled with tears and silently fell and the officers fell silent and let me cry in silence, I suppose.
Honestly, school is ******** hard. I guess I'm considered part of the "Asian nerd" category, but that is only what others perceive of me. In reality, I'm not really that smart. In class, I usually don't understand s**t. The teacher could be talking, but I would just stare at the board spacing out. When I do pay attention, especially in Chem, I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. She does so many conversions and uses unfamiliar formulas so quickly that I cannot keep up. When I frantically try and copy notes, I always wonder if anyone else feels as lost as I do. I'm the kind of person that has to study massively at home or during free time in order to keep up with the rest of the "naturally" intelligent students. I honestly don't know crap in math, but I still try my hardest. As a matter of fact, I actually failed my Alg2/Trig Honors class first quarter. I didn't exactly get an F, I just didn't pass. But by the time the first semester was about the finish, I have raised my grade from a D- to a C. We have over 3,000 points in all, so I had about.. 4 tests to bring it up a whole letter grade. Luckily, I was able to pass the tests. Those weeks were hell. Seriously, especially with my other classes. AP's and all my honors class and all my involvement in clubs AND being Boy's Varsity Tennis team manager really put a damper on my life. I rarely have time to hang out with my friends on Friday nights because I have to volunteer after school until 10pm, usually even later. This is when a boyfriend really can come in.
I really need a guy who is sure of himself. A guy that can handle himself around me and be himself. I don't need someone to try to be a perfect "prince charming" or a guy that is so "nice and courteous" and asks "are you okay? do you need something?" I need a guy that can already tell how I feel. A guy who doesn't need to depend on his friends to ask a girl out. I'm the girl who has always done the heart breaking. Hah, my closest friends do not even know this about me. They assume that I've never had any experience with guys or dating. How wrong they are. I've probably been courted and wooed more than they can count. Those guys were the "nice guys" and the "are you cold? do you need a jacket?" guys. I want someone who can stand by my side and hold my hand without asking me first. He needs to have to initiative while also handling himself. And most importantly, he has to make me laugh with his goofy sense of humor.
Alright, enough of this senseless rant. I hope I can remember to update this thing often. I just decided to post this to let out of my feelings since I can't talk to anyone else about this. I wonder if anyone will ever discover my blogs. Well anyways, I'm just another other kind of helpless damsel in distress waiting for a brave, humorous, nonchalant prince. lol <3
The person I miss most though, is my friend, Regina Nicole Roman. She passed away a couple months ago and every night I think about her. I wonder how this could have happened. Why did this have to happen to her?! WHY?! The most innocent person, the lively person, the most excited person I know in the world just dies in a freak accident. After her death, I've always wondered what would happen if I were to die suddenly without seeing my loved ones before I pass. How does it feel to die? I've been so paranoid about this over the few weeks that I've been having terrible nightmares about dying. I've been having dreams about my parents, friends, and family members dying. I had this dream about how my parents didn't wake up to go to work and I remember actually walking to their room and shaking my mom to wake up. At first, I didn't realize I was actually doing it because I believed I was still dreaming, but I was sleep-walking. After that night, I've been having strange sensations of feeling death. The scariest part, I really, truly, use all my effort and strength to act as happy as I can at school. At one of my officer meetings. the president asked if I could ask my parents for money to buy materials for my event. I told them I didn't think I could get the money because of family financial problems. The rest of the officers shot me a frustrated look, and even one of them said, "Priscilla, you always have family problems. How do we know if you actually have family problems and not just making it up?" I tried my best to hold back my tears until it felt like my eyes burned and melted to the back of my head. My throat went dry and it became hard for me to swallow. They were right, I have too many problems. My eyes filled with tears and silently fell and the officers fell silent and let me cry in silence, I suppose.
Honestly, school is ******** hard. I guess I'm considered part of the "Asian nerd" category, but that is only what others perceive of me. In reality, I'm not really that smart. In class, I usually don't understand s**t. The teacher could be talking, but I would just stare at the board spacing out. When I do pay attention, especially in Chem, I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. She does so many conversions and uses unfamiliar formulas so quickly that I cannot keep up. When I frantically try and copy notes, I always wonder if anyone else feels as lost as I do. I'm the kind of person that has to study massively at home or during free time in order to keep up with the rest of the "naturally" intelligent students. I honestly don't know crap in math, but I still try my hardest. As a matter of fact, I actually failed my Alg2/Trig Honors class first quarter. I didn't exactly get an F, I just didn't pass. But by the time the first semester was about the finish, I have raised my grade from a D- to a C. We have over 3,000 points in all, so I had about.. 4 tests to bring it up a whole letter grade. Luckily, I was able to pass the tests. Those weeks were hell. Seriously, especially with my other classes. AP's and all my honors class and all my involvement in clubs AND being Boy's Varsity Tennis team manager really put a damper on my life. I rarely have time to hang out with my friends on Friday nights because I have to volunteer after school until 10pm, usually even later. This is when a boyfriend really can come in.
I really need a guy who is sure of himself. A guy that can handle himself around me and be himself. I don't need someone to try to be a perfect "prince charming" or a guy that is so "nice and courteous" and asks "are you okay? do you need something?" I need a guy that can already tell how I feel. A guy who doesn't need to depend on his friends to ask a girl out. I'm the girl who has always done the heart breaking. Hah, my closest friends do not even know this about me. They assume that I've never had any experience with guys or dating. How wrong they are. I've probably been courted and wooed more than they can count. Those guys were the "nice guys" and the "are you cold? do you need a jacket?" guys. I want someone who can stand by my side and hold my hand without asking me first. He needs to have to initiative while also handling himself. And most importantly, he has to make me laugh with his goofy sense of humor.
Alright, enough of this senseless rant. I hope I can remember to update this thing often. I just decided to post this to let out of my feelings since I can't talk to anyone else about this. I wonder if anyone will ever discover my blogs. Well anyways, I'm just another other kind of helpless damsel in distress waiting for a brave, humorous, nonchalant prince. lol <3
