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How Jen Feels :[
New Moon :: By Stepenhie Meyer
“It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched throughmy chest, excising my most vital organsd and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continue to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationall, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain- the achign loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head- but it was manageable. I could live thoguh it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened overtime, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it. (Pg 118, Meyer)”
“I was not allowed to think about him. That was somehting I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avaoid for days at a time now. The trade-off was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing. I waited for the pain now. (Pg 113 Meyer)”
“I curled over, pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to breath without lungs.
I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now- if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it- I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he’d given me. More than I’d asked for, more than I’d deserved. Maybe someday I would be able to see it that way.
But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible. (Pg 124, Meyer)”
“I thumped my head against the steeering wheel, trying to distract myself from the sharper pain.
It made me feel silly for ever worrying about keeping my promise. Where was the logic in sticking to an agreement that had already been violated by the other party? Who cared if I was reckless and stupid? There was no reason to avoid recklessness, no reason why I shouldn’t get to be stupid. (Pg 125, Meyer)”
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