oh man am I ever feeling down in the dumps today. the dregs, the compost heap, the reclaimed-materials-center. I wish I could get a job so bad. it aches, it sucks at my soul like a ridiculous ravenous small mammal. I feel like a drug addict. if only I could get one more stash, a source I can rely on, everything in my life would be okay. Which is a lie, of course. My cat would still be sick, I'd still have shitty social skills, I'd feel embarrassed and unnerved all the time like I do now, but I'd have MONEY! wow, dude. I looked at my list of s**t I need to buy and like...can I even afford that with an entire year's salary? It's tough to know I'm a year behind and the thing I want will take more than a year. I'll never make up this 'lost' year. I never intended it to go on this long. I was supposed to have a job two months ago. My computer wasn't supposed to break.
etc.
I can't stand living here anymore. It hurts to look at this house. Maybe...I should go for a walk today. Get out, or SOMETHING. gah. I feel like a corpse. I feel like I'm on life-support. I breathe and mumble and feel numb but I'm not really here at all.
I miss having someone to think of. to wish fondly. I miss having something good outside myself. eh.
it wasn't all that good after all, though was it now.
uhm.....I vaguely wonder if anyone will ever read this. It's weird to think that on LJ I could write and be guaranteed at least one person would read my thoughts. Whereas now, I have to learn to not care what others think, have no opinions of others..gah! I am lonely, hear me WHINE.
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Inky Black Cloak
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